I can’t cope

[tyme]

So true about having events at your house. You can't just 'have an appointment' and leave. I think that's why I tend to have things at restaurants where there's a clear start and finish @Captain24  And I book something after so I don't need to stay too long.

Keeps my social anxiety at bay.

I'll be off soon, but will see you later this week.

Take care

[Captain24]

My social anxiety is out of control and it’s not even here yet. Mums is thinking of a restaurant for Friday night so I have to people then too @tyme 

[Captain24]

So hospital has all changed. The new dates are a week before I thought I was going to in so now I have to change my leave dates at work. But they have to approve me for stage 2. I’m going to have to fake it. I don’t want to go back to stage one. I hate it. I can’t keep going on like this. I need hospital. Maybe my psych can get me in.  

I have a GP appointment soon. I hope he will write me a certificate for tomorrow night. I won’t have slept properly and it’s suppose to be a rainy cold night. I don’t want to do it. 

Im stressing about the BBQ mum has organised. I have so much to do to have my house suitable for visitors and all I want to do is stay in bed. 

The sun is shining for now but rain is expected this afternoon. 

Too much is going on. I’m so overwhelmed. I can’t take anymore on. So many thoughts. So many negative feelings. Just too much. I’m not coping. 

[Ru-bee]

Hey @Captain24 it sounds like this change has thrown you for a loop a bit, which is understandable. Hopefully your psych will be able to help you in being approved for stage 2 if that's what you're feeling that you need right now.

Sounds like there's lots on your plate at the moment and it's completely fair to be feeling overwhelmed by it all. Are there maybe some smaller tasks that you can focus on that won't take too much out of you but will still help you to tick some things off your checklist?

Fingers crossed that your GP gives you that medical cert, I know how much you're relying on that right now.

[Captain24]

I’m hoping she can. @Ru-bee. She is taking a break right now from facilitating groups but when she is there she facilitates stage 2. So I’m hoping this helps me. It’s freaking me out a little. 

I’ve got Wednesday to Friday to get everything done. I’ve been putting off the big jobs like cleaning out the pantry and mowing the lawn. They are the things I have to do. Other than that it’s full cleaning mode. I only surface clean so it looks good. Now I’m going to have to dust and move things that I just clean around. How do I manage to do it all or even any of it? Then have to do all the food prep and be with so many people at once. 

[Ru-bee]

Yeah hosting is a lot @Captain24! Especially if it's an event that you aren't really wanting to have.

I know I always get in that mindset where I have to deep clean the house before I have people over, but I wonder if there are areas where the surface clean is okay? Are people really going to care if the pantry isn't cleaned out? Or if there's a bit of dust? I know it'd be nicer if it was but if you can get away with not doing the extra work it might help to make your plate feel less full

[Captain24]

It is a lot @Ru-bee 

I can use my pantry for the mess it’s in. So I need it to be acceptable. I guess dusting isn't really important. I needed to hear that. I do expect my house to be perfect if anyone is coming over. 

I got my Dr certificate for tomorrow night. Now I only have to get through tonight. I really want to still be in bed but alas I have to go. It’s so hard to get myself there. It’s so hard to function. 

[Ru-bee]

I'm the same way @Captain24 even though I'm not a super tidy person generally whenever I'm hosting people I put all this pressure on myself to make the house look like its brand new! But When I think about it, as long as someone's house is tidy when I go over I never notice all those smaller details that I spend time stressing over in my own house.

I'm really glad to hear you got the medical certificate! Just gotta get through tonight, you've got this!

[Captain24]

I made it through work and got home at 6 this morning. @Ru-bee. I’m lying in bed just dozing. I can’t seem to sleep properly unmedicated. I don’t want to go from one addiction to another. I use to use my sleep med during the day but now that I’m weaning off them I’ve had to stop. 

I have so many thoughts going through my head. Nasty, horrible, despicable thoughts. Too bad to share. Just knowing I deserve nothing in life is true. 

I have written my massive list of things to get done and realised that I have a hairdressers appointment and a dietitian appointment on Thursday. hair takes over 2 hours! I hate having to be social for that long. Hopefully it’s at the studio and not her home. At least she may talk to other people. 

If I blurt out all my thoughts to my psych today I may end with a psych appointment as well on Thursday. 

[Ru-bee]

Oh that's such a horrible feeling when you are exhausted but you just fall into a proper sleep @Captain24 hope you've been able to slip into a restful sleep now

Maybe this is something to keep an eye on and maybe talk to your gp about?

I'm sorry to hear that those thoughts are going around your head. At least there will be an outlet for them with your psych today. And I'm glad to hear that there is an option for another session on Thursday if you need it

Also I completely relate to that dread of needing to be social during hair appointments. That's partly why I tend to cut my own hair...