I can’t cope

[PrincessLettuce]

So glad you've got the doggies to keep you company! 

You've given the dogs a treat, is there anything kind you can do for yourself? I think I'm going to have a hot chocolate tonight!

[Captain24]

A hot chocolate is good idea, thank you. It’s not something I thought of. @PrincessLettuce 

I’ve taken more meds so I’m hoping that they knock me out. Sooner rather than later. I need it soon. I’m running out of things to do. I’ve already tried so much. I’m exhausted. The urge is relentless. 

[PrincessLettuce]

It's a bit of a treat!

I hope the meds kick in so you can get some rest. 

I know it's hard right now, but I have this feeling that you've done lots and lots of hard things before. Hang in there. 

Sitting with you here if you need ☕

[Captain24]

They still haven’t kicked in @PrincessLettuce but I’m going to go to bed anyway. It’s for the best. 

Thanks for your support tonight. I’m so sorry that I’ve been really needy. 

[Captain24]

I haven’t woken up feeling the best. I just feel really down. I’ve got no motivation. 

I feel sad and alone. Will the loneliness ever disappear? 

I’ve bathed both dogs so at least I’ve done something. 

I have a list of what I need to do. I have yesterday’s list to do as well. I’m just walking around in circles not knowing where to start. It’s like there is too much to do. I just need to follow my list in order but I can’t seem to focus on it. It shouldn’t be this hard. I’m usually good at following the lists. 

Why does my brain feel so scattered? It’s like everything is bouncing around in there and I can’t grab hold of anything. I can’t have a clear thought. 

Am I just useless? Is this what it’s going to be like while I come off these meds? What happens when I’m off them? Do I start to feel better? Does my life regain some control? 

[Tolly]

@Captain24 hi Captain, I am so sorry you feel not great this morning - you are so hard on yourself, and you are so NOT useless!!!! Wow I am actually pretty impressed that you have been up and bathed the dogs- lists can get really overwhelming too, so be kind to yourself around this and know that you have already done something today. Maybe give yourself a short while to settle and then maybe just choose one small thing from the list (the one thing that seems less daunting) or even part of the task. You will get control back Captain it has just been a really challenging few days, but you are doing more than you give yourself credit for. 💙

[Captain24]

I don’t see it as being hard on myself @Tolly. Most people are able to do stuff but not me. I feel useless. I should be able to clean my house. It shouldn’t be such a challenge. The lists are reasonable. It’s not as though I’m asking much of myself.

I’ve cleaned the kitchen and changed my bed linen. 

There was mould growing on stuff in the kitchen so now at least it’s hygienic. I had to change the bed linen since I bathed the dogs. It’s pointless cleaning them if I put them back on my bed with dirty linen. 

Im now done. I’ve got nothing left. I don’t care. But it just means more to do tomorrow. 

I hate that I can’t do it. I’m beating myself up. Such a loser. Such a waste of space. Now to face the rest of the day. I drop my meds down again tonight so that’ll be another kick in the guts. 

[Tolly]

@Captain24 💙 Phew it sounds as if you have actually done a lot already, (even though I know you feel like it isn't enough) but getting everything clean sounds like a major task and now it is finished, and you have clean linen - I know you feel it isn't but I think you have accomplished a lot for one day.

[Captain24]

Is it bad that I’m back in bed again? This isn’t a life. 

I’ve tried stuff. I can’t read as I couldn’t focus and had to reread what I’d read. I’ve tried Lego but just don’t care for it. I looked at my diamond art but that felt too hard. 

Why is nothing working? 

[Captain24]

I’ve just woken up and now I have to try everything again. 

Im exhausted. I’m tired. Not sure I have it in me to try through it all again.