I can’t cope

[Jynx]

@Captain24 aww hun, sounds like things are really intense for you. It's rough to sit with those SH urges, are they becoming a bit much or are you managing to stave off the worst for now? 

Haha well I have to kinda stay inside and catch the sunbeam that comes through my front door haha - and the heater and my oodie are never far away! 

LOL I mean kinda, but it's on a long string so I can twirl it up and let it unravel whilst throwing shiny lights across my lounge 😋 I will see if I can capture it somehow, though I doubt a photo will do it justice!! 

OMG can we see Jett in his jumper - if you get a chance of course, no rush!! The kitties are good, they're yelling at me right now cos it's nearly dinner time!! And Razz always yells at me when it's too cold or when it's raining lol as though I have control over the weather 🤣

[Captain24]

Things are really hard @Jynx. They are a bit much. 

Now I have this image of you lying starkus in the front door with people walking past! 

I was close. That sounds like something I would do. I love the sparkle. 

I’ll take a photo and post it next weekend for you. He doesn’t have it on right now as he is on my lap and the heater is on high. 

They know so much don’t they. Pix lets me know when it’s meal times. Jett doesn’t really get it. 

Why can’t you fix the weather for Razz? My two look at me when it’s raining. Jett won’t go out at all. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 aye sounds like you're weathering some very stormy weather hun. I'm sorry it's so rough. We gotchu tho, always! 

Ahaha no no, thankfully I am very out-of-view!! I really like having this much privacy, turns out I like sunbathing nekkid!! Ahahah

Haha yep, I am all about the shiny sparkly things!! And all about making my environment fun to occupy 😋

HA! You know I ought to be careful, feels like you and Razz are gonna team up and cross-examine me like lawyers... 

"And uhh you're here to tell us you CAN'T stop the horrible water coming out of the sky, but you CAN stop it coming out of the shower? Seems fake.' 🤣

[Captain24]

Very stormy. @Jynx. I’m not reducing my meds this week. I can’t cope with it.  I need a break from something. I need a break from work too but I only have a few weeks before I go to hospital so it’ll have to wait until then.

Thats how I sun-bake too! I have a spot in my backyard where no one can see. But I ain’t going out there in this weather! 

Yup.. Razz and I are in this together..

mmuuhhhaaa

I know. Why can’t I just turn it off? It’s supposed to rain Monday and Tuesday. It’ll mean the mornings are warmer but the days will be so much colder. Can’t win. It’ll be rainy and gloomy and that makes my mood even worse. 

This is the email my psych sent me

I've booked you in for 2pm on Tuesday. I know you don't like calling in sick to work so I just want to acknowledge that choosing to do that is you showing up for yourself. That's not nothing and it's not weakness. It feels like weakness because you are depleted when you are making that choice. But being depleted is different to being weak. You are more important than your workplace, but putting yourself first feels uncomfortable because you've been told you're not allowed to come first.

This is you doing the work - you are allowing the discomfort of unfamiliarity and (unreasonable) judgement and practicing taking your place as the most important part of the equation (which you have always been).

Just in case you've forgotten - check your notes for what we've discussed in case there's anything helpful in there in the meantime. And read this email as many times as you need.

[Jynx]

@Captain24 wow, that is SUCH a lovely email!! I knew I liked your psych but wowsers!! 

Well maybe it'll be slightly less windy and you can get yourself some sunbeams tomorrow!! 

I am glad to hear you are showing up for yourself hun. It's tough to do so when it can create such internal conflict, but every time you do, you get a little better at it. It'll get easier and easier. 

I gotta dash, glad to hear from ya hun and mayhap catch your wonderful self tomorrow 💜

[Captain24]

She is amazing @Jynx 

No sunbeams for me, I’ll be at work but I’ll feel it through the windscreen of my truck. I hope you get some in though.

Im trying to look out for myself but we will see. 

I hope you had a good night and have a good day.

Talk tonight

[Jynx]

Hope you're surviving work ok @Captain24 😉

[Captain24]

I’m home @Jynx 

Work went ok. It was so hard to get myself out of bed. I just didn’t want to go. Didn’t want to get out of bed just stay there and rot. I did some socialising so that was hard and tiring. 

How was your day. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 sounds like you had a hard slog but did the day anyway hun!! Big kudos for dragging your keister away from the rot, lol it's SOOOO hard when it's this cold, ay!! 

What kind of socialising? Was it also a fun social thingy? 

[Captain24]

It was t really that cold this morning compared to other mornings. It was only minus 3. @Jynx I do think I’m doing well pushing myself so hard to show up to work. 

We had a crew BBQ today and then at second crib the guy that got swapped out at the same time wanted to go to the crib hut where there were a lot of people. I didn’t enjoy it. It was so hard to pretend.