Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Renee1]

Hi all,
Im so glad that I stumbled across this forum.
I’ve been with my husband for 13 years and we have three children. I’ll get into it all in another post but I want to know if it’s normal to start feeling a little resentful. Long story short, there’s history of a mental illness but it’s always been self medicated and never had a diagnosis.
Last year was awful and I’d had enough and did everything to get him help, because he wouldn’t help himself. Discovered around 3 weeks ago that he has been lying to me and started drinking again around 6-7 months ago. He only admitted it as I had proof.
Now, I feel like him and has mother expect me to be grateful that he is getting help. Mind you, I’ve been the driving force behind it.
I feel really hurt, really sad and because of his stuffups, I’m wearing all of the consequences.
I’m having one of those days where all I want is to give up and just leave, but because I do still love him, I know that I won’t. When he is good he is absolutely amazing but I haven’t seen that man for at least 6 months.
I understand that I need to be supportive etc but I feel that I’m not being understood nor my feelings.
This is all jumbled and poorly written, one of those days.

[Determined]

Hi @Renee1 and welcome to the forums,

Your feelings you have expressed are perfectly normal and valid.

My wife and I have been married for 18 years and many times I have felt like you have described here. Particually the last 12 - 18 months. 

I think it is very important to seek support for yourself in order to avoid burnout. Do you have family or friends who you trust that you can talk to? Sometimes some profesional help can be helpful and necessary also. I currently see a councillor but have also previously seen a psychologist. Dont be afraid to try someone new ifmat first you dont succeed. 

I have also found engaging on the forums here has been invaluable for me, especially over the past 12 months. Dont be afaraid to join in any discussions and ask questions. 

I am also happy for you to tag me if ever younever need an ear.. just put an @ in front of anyones name and they will get a notification eg @Determined

[Former-Member]

Hi @Renee1

Just popping on to let you know that I can relate to how hard your situation with your husband is and the frustrations you are feeling. Please know you aren't alone in this and we here to support you in any way we can 😊

[Renee1]

Thank you so much. I know that I’m not the only one going through this and that is both shit and comforting at the same time.
Trust is such a huge thing for me and due to his drinking, this is the third time I’ve lost all trust for him.
He tells me that he has never cheated either physically or emotionally and I want to believe him, I really do, but I can’t shake the doubt. I guess that’s normal though.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Renee1

Trust is a huge matter in a relationship, I agree. This also must be very hurtful for you. I personally have not dealt with what you are going through that you described above but other members here have that may be able to offer better advice than me. I want you to know that I hear you and care. My young adult daughter (21) that I cared for once did have similar issues with depression and self medicating, I could not trust her then, but she is improving greatly now with help and we are close. It did take time though. Your husband needs to seek help as the pressure on you solely could adversely effect your own mental health which is my concern. I hope there is someone there that can support you through this as burn out can be a real risk. Thinking of you

[Renee1]

It’s so hard sometimes. He’s finally getting professional help, and is on medication but I don’t think it’s the right ones. He can’t see a psych until the end of March ( public health ) so we can’t even get a proper diagnosis.
I’m so angry. I’m angry at so many things.
Why am I like this?

[Former-Member]

Hi @Renee1

Feeling angry is often part of the grief we feel as carers (and I know I don't like it when it happens to me - I don't like being angry).

One of the best things you can do is to document symptoms as patients are often not able to articulate them well. There were a lot of things that I did not realise were symptoms until I learned about MI. Apart from substance abuse has there been times of spending, bizarre thinking, hypersexuality, depression, sleeping too much, not sleeping enough etc.

Medication can be trial and error too .... document response esp if partner getting hypo, drinking more or if he is calmer, sleeping better etc. Keeping a record of this is essential as getting meds right can be trial and error.

[Former-Member]

@Renee1

https://youtu.be/NRO0-JXuFMY

[Determined]

I often ask myself that @Renee1 (why am I angry), like @Former-Member said, I think it is a symptom of grief at the situation we find ourselves in and being overwhelmed by it all.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Renee1

I do agree with @Determined and @Former-Member that anger can be a symptom of grief. I also can be pushed to anger when their is "ongoing chronic stress" of which I don't feel I have control over and become overwhelmed like @Determined. When that anger is turned in I get depressed. It is awhile to wait until March for your husband to get help - when he does I do so hope it helps given you both some relief and peace with things settling for you . The latter means everything after being through the roller coaster.