Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[SoSad]

Sofrustrated put it perfectly.  They will just keep hurting us if we keep in contact.  They have no recognition on what they have done to us.  I don't think they will ever know.  I went through depression and anxiety because of what my ex did to me.  Sure, there were other factors but what he did to me was absolutely devastating.  He just keeps living his life and got away with treating me the way he did.  He sees himself as a good man when, in reality, when I started to question things, he showed his true self.  He just wants "yes people" around him.  People who will always agree with him and not question his actions or motives. It is hard, and I still love him 3 months on, but I do know what I deserve and it isn't being treated this way.  I see myself as a very trusting, kind and loyal person.  It's his loss.  He will end up being a very lonely old man because he won't let a person in and be able to trust them.

[Charlierose]

So, I’ve booked a flight back home today. I am absolutely devastated and can’t believe our relationship has come to this.

I feel so betrayed that he has turned his back on me like this, after promising me a future together.

I really hope me leaving will give him the wake up call he needs to get some help and acknowledge his part in this.

I’m so low. Please, can anyone offer me any words of encouragement? 

[SoSad]

Booking the flight home would have been so hard to do but well done. You are doing the right thing. You’ve got to put yourself and your needs first as he is doing that for himself right now. It won’t be easy at first. You will have days where you just want to cry all day, other days where you will just question everything and then there are days where you will look back at your relationship and remember the good times. You will get through this. No one knows if our ex’s will return but, if they do, we need to be in a healthy state of mind. 

[SOfrustrated]

Agreed.  Booking your flight home was the first, big step that you needed to take. I think you will find once you are home in the familarity of friends and family, you are better equipped to get through this.

Don't look at it as you leaving him and hoping he will realize -- try to reframe and look at it as you need to heal and be good to yourself.  Regardless if you were there physically or not, it wouldn't make any difference.  He is not capable of handling any relationship at the moment.  And you must remember, friendships are different than relationships. There is no pressure, stress, angst, or anything daunting in friendships.  He could not handle your relationship for multiple reasons unrelated to you.  

Our issue (and it seems like @SoSad and I are in the same boat), is that we look for blame within ourselves.  I blamed me, and still sometimes do, but thats not right.  But we can't do that.  This is going to hurt so much, but you have to telll yourself over and over again, "I can do this, I will push forward."  

I know it hurts thinking they don't want to be with us, and are pushing us away, after everything we've given them and how good we've been to them.  Standing by their side throughout all their ups and downs, but did you get everything you needed in the relationship? I have a feeling you sacrificed a lot for your significant other.  And I know you did it for the same reasons we all did it - We love(d) them. But their love back to us was imbalanced.  

I truly believe you need to give yourself space from your ex.  Each day hurts, but each day you get a little, tiny bit better.

Today is the last day of the lease in the apartment my ex and I shared.  I am a mess and have cried all day.  He never paid my rent this month as he promised, and I got my portion of the security deposit taken, so I dont have that money I was hoping to use in my next apartment.  We spoke last night for 2 minutes and he screamed at me on the phone.  These 5 weeks of distance have made him even more angry than when I left him.  I am absolutely devastated and so hurt, however - for him to feel it okay to speak to me like that after three committed years is enough to feel better about not being together. 

You will get there, we all will.  But you need to listen to your head and not just your heart.  Be good to YOU.  This isnt about how he doesn't want you, this is about a man who is not capable of being in a healthy relationship right now and you do not deserve to stand around waiting until he is ready. 

[SoSad]

Yeah, I still blame myself at times.  If I didn't agree to moving in with him, his mental state would be a lot better now.  But, in reality, that's not my responsibility.  He mentioned moving in with him for months and his mental state hasn't been ok since we met, but that's all on him.  We can only look after ourselves and the way we respond and react to things.

[Charlierose]

Hi all,

Tonight is our last night in our house together with him and my flight leaves tomorrow.

He has been switching between being really lovely to me (calling me his best friend, saying he loves me, that I’m wonderful etc) to being angry at the whole situation and maintaining that he has had no choice in any of this.

I’m leaving here a shell of the person I moved here being. Dreading saying goodbye tomorrow but I don’t have any other options. Thank you so much for your words of encouragement and support, you have no idea how much you’ve helped me. Will keep you updated. 

[SOfrustrated]

Tomorrow is going to be hard but the hardest part will be behind you.  Once you get home you can focus on healing and surrounding yourself with the support of your family and friends.  

I know it's impossible and feels like youll never get back to the person you once were, but you will.  We all will.  We need to remind one another this is not us, this is our partners pushing us away because they are not in the right state of mind and need to work on themselves.  I have no idea if my ex will come back to me, but I dont believe he is capabe of thinking clearly or loving me unconditionally, and needs to sincerely spend a lot of time on himself.  It sounds like your partner is in that same boat.

True, balanced love doesn't vacillate like that.  It's not fair to YOUR mental state for him to go back and forth between love and words of anger.  How is that going to help you cope with the situation? It will only confuse you.  You need to remove yourself from the entire situation, whcih you are doing, to get back to where you once were - and the good news is.. YOU can only go up from here.  Take it hour by hour, day by day.  

In six months, I have a feeling all of us will be in a little bit better of a place.  We just need to not give up on ourselves. 

[SoSad]

Oh yes, the lovely push-pull they do. I think we all experienced that. That’s what completely messed with my head. The best thing you can do is cut off contact for a little bit. Trust me on this. I realise now that the best thing my ex did was block me. I have made improvements and now after a month, I have a lot of realisations about him. My head is clearer and the last 2 weeks I have woken up anxious only a couple of times. My ex has made it clear that I have been wiped from his life. At the end of the day, I know that it was him that was the problem, not me. I can live with that. 

[Charlierose]

I’m home. The goodbye was brutal, tears from both sides and him telling me he loves me and will never find anyone better than me. But that this is the right decision for him.

Since I’ve been home he has tried to message and call me, and when I didn’t respond got in touch with my family to check up on me, asking me to phone him. I feel so angry that he thinks I should be getting in touch with him, after everything that’s happened. 

The thing I can’t seem to get past is the betrayal of it all. How could he do this to me? After all I’ve supported him through. I can’t believe he let me leave, just like that. 

How are you all going? 

[SoSad]

How are you going Charlie? Sorry I didn’t reply sooner, I’ve been busy. The best thing to do is ignore and focus on yourself. If it’s meant to be, it will be. You both need to do this for you to have a healthy relationship again, in the future, if you both wish to do that. 

I sent my ex a thank you message this morning as I finally used a gift that he got me a little while ago. It was a red balloon voucher so was able to book it in and enjoy it. I loved it. I had suspected that he had unblocked me on messenger so I sent a message on there. He has unblocked me but has it set to ‘ignore messages’. One step up from being blocked lol. It’s funny though, a few weeks ago something like that would have really affected me. It hasn’t today. So time does start to make things easier. My friend and I had a good laugh about it. He is weird lol.