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Re: Depressed partner pushed me out of his life

@SoSad It’s funny you say that. My ex definitely has covert narcissistic tendencies as wel the more I read up on it. His childhood trauma definitely contributed and his mother is a narcissist. 

I think the one of thehardest parts for my situation, and it sounds like both of yours too, is the lack of caring after the break up. My ex cried and said he loved me over and over, and “deeply cared”, but needs to work on himself, yet not one word from him.

how is it that easy for them? I think my ex can easily dissociate and compartmentalize. It’s scary. He doesn’t care ab me at all it seems, if he did, he would reach out. It was three years for goodness sakes! 

I too feel like I didn’t set boundaries. I’d make excuses when he didn’t want to

come to important events, or sleep the day/night away, or just loaf on the couch. I’d be too scared to push and now I’m mad at myself but I didn’t even realize I was doing it. I was SO overly concerned for him and his feelings and he could have cared less about mine.

he was supposed to reach out this week to talk but shocker, he hasn’t. 

I am trying to enter the acceptance stage that we will never be, bc honestly, I shouldn’t be with someone who can treat me that recklessly...but easier said than done. 

i read a lot ab covert narcissism and how they push people away but blame the other. I think my ex in his head does blame me. 

Re: Depressed partner pushed me out of his life

Yeah, my ex seemed to care afterwards, and did for another 5 weeks, until he picked his dog up from my house.  Then I barely heard from him, only when he wanted something from me.  That's the weird thing too.  Why would you break up with someone but let them keep looking after your dog, and just think that she wants to keep on looking after it.  He even said that we will see each other cause the dog is at my place.  I know I have a responsibility as well to have said something to him about taking it but, at that stage, you just want to hold onto anything that will let you see them again.  He just seemed so confused.  A lot of people think that it is strange too.

 

We just have to remind ourselves that we are not to blame.  Some people just take the easy way out of things.  That's what I believe these people have done.  It would be easier to just push us away and have nothing to do with us then have someone that they need to be responsible to.

 

@SOfrustrated Those excuses still come out of my mouth too.  I made excuses for everything when we broke up.  "It's just his mental health", "He just needs to get himself better.", "I can't say that because of his anxiety", "I am not angry at him, I don't think I can be." but it was never about how I was feeling.  It was all about him.  I didn't sit back and think "what do I want?" He took the control out of my hands and he made all the decisions on everything.  My ex seems to be able to easily dissociate and compartmentize.  He was in the army, so that's always at the back of my mind about what training he has.  He once said to me that he is used to being away from people and not talking to them for a little while.

I have no doubt they probably blame us to a degree, but they are responsible for their own actions.  We were all open to helping them and supporting them, it was them that took the easiest way out and pushed us away.

Re: Depressed partner pushed me out of his life

I've spent all morning reading this thread from start to finish, and I can't believe how many of us are going through the same thing - its comforting, but also saddening to know others are feeling as hurt as I am.

 

The break up was 6 weeks ago, and he we havent spoken in a month.

I was in a bad place for the first month, but can happily say that these last 2 weeks have been alot better. I feel somewhat happy and go days without crying now and my appetite is back. I thought that I'd be over the idea of being with him when my emotions settled, but although my emotions have settled and im no longer in the thick of it - I still want him. 

 

I guess Im just looking for advice in regards to reaching out one last time in a few weeks. I dont want him to think ive given up on him and before I move on completely, I need to know that I've done all I can. 

 

 

Thoughts

Re: Depressed partner pushed me out of his life

You seem to be in the same position as me.  Finding it hard to let go and making sure you have done all you can to know that you are still there and doing all you can.

 

Do you have any questions that you want answered? How are you feeling towards how he ended it? Do you want closure from him?

Re: Depressed partner pushed me out of his life

Hi everyone, I’ve posted my story on a separate thread but am desperate for some help/advice/anything regarding my situation, which seems so so similar to many here: 

 

My partner of three years has just broken up with me. The problem is,  we’ve moved to his home country from mine where we were both living and I have no support network here at all. We haven’t even been here two months and he’s called it quits. 

We’ve been planning this move for over a year, because he has been so unhappy and homesick where we were. He’s been unhappy with his job for a long time and whenever something stressful at work takes place (he went on stress leave a few months ago) he pushes me away and inevitably breaks up with me, blaming me for all his unhappiness. Am I really to blame? I’ve only ever tried to help and encourage him and make him happy. 

 

He’s had a hard childhood and has some issues he needs to sort out regarding his parents, but when we went to counselling and this was bought up he dismissed it and won’t talk about it. 

 

He recently started taking antidepressants but now wants to stop them because he says he’s not depressed but that it’s me who has been making him so very unhappy throughout our relationship.

 

Our relationship has never been perfect but we love each other so very much, and I’m struggling to recognise the cold and angry person he is being now. 

 

He’s told me he will book me a flight home if that’s what I want to do and that he won’t be changing his mind. Please does anyone have any advice? I’m absolutely devastated, and can’t accept this is truly what he wants. 

 

 

 

Re: Depressed partner pushed me out of his life

Hi @redemptionx and @Charlierose,

I am so sorry to hear you are both going through similar situations.  This whole thing just SUCKS and there is no way around it.  I am about 6 weeks into the breakup and it still hurts.  

 

The first few weeks, and even still a bit now, I searched within myself for the blame. I couldn't believe he would turn his back on me, especially after how good I was to him throughout his depression (even though he didn't recognize it much, or treat it properly) and the relationship.  I assumed/assume I did things to make him want out, "wasn't good enough", etc.  

 

Though I still go back to those feelings, the distance and unfortauntely the silence has helped me see that I really believe this was him.  And it sounds like the same for you both.  My ex had a very traumatic childhood and does not have a support system, nor is he really comfortable with himself or his feelings.  He's struggled very much recently and pushed everyone that loves him, namely me, away.  What is most hurtful is that he doesn't seem to care.

 

A few pieces of advice that have helped me, though again, I am still far away from "healing".  I looked at the past year and realized he wasn't himself - just a shell. Nothing brough him joy anymore and his behavior parrellels with depression/anxiety.  I read SO many forums, articles, websites, you name it, on traumatic past and their affect on relationships and it rang quite true.  The pressure of the relationship was something they couldn't handle.  I know its hard for us to accept - but it wasn't/isn't us. It's not.  They could have been with Megan Markle, and I believe they would find flaws and feel unhappy.  The first step for me was recognizing and accepting his emotional state and knowing, he cannot see it rationally as a person thinking clearly would.

 

Secondly, taking time for yourself.  Keep yourself active - Go out if you can, read, exercise, do whatever you can to keep your mind busy.  Set up phone calls with friends, go on walks.

 

Walking really helped me, any time I felt a sob fest come on, I went on a walk or run.  

 

Write down all the things you didn't get from him in the relationship, that helped me realize what I was missing and made excuses for.

 

Write him letters, but dont send.  That helped me get emotions out I didn't know I felt.

 

Stay away from social media - I deleted my apps for the first month.  

 

No contact SUCKS, but i think it helps both parties.  I think the more space you give yourself the more you can think clearer.  The first three weeks for me I couldn't think, try not to talk to him or meet up with him. Your emotions are moving at warp speed and really out of sync.  You need time to focus on YOU. 

 

Was he the BEST partner for you? I don't doubt you love him, but look - this is about you.  He is not capable of the support you need. remember that. he is not capable of loving in the capacity that you love him and that imbalance ultimately will create an unfair situation for you.

 

We need to remember that we do not deserve the half love they were giving us. I dont understand why we are the ones being pushed away, but its easier for them to do that. and they are used to taking the easy way out, at least my ex is.

 

I want my ex to reach out, but i dont see that happening anytime soon. the only thing i can control right now is bettering myself and worrying ab my happiness, bc he drained me of that for so long.

 

It f*cking sucks. but we dont deserve that.

 

Would you consider moving home? I think for you, you need to make a short plan.  What will help you? If going home is going to help you in the long run..consider making tat move.  Call friends and family and vent.  Schedule time to see a therapist weekly.  These are immediate items you need to do to help your mind now.

 

Sorry for the novel.  I cried and cried lasst night but trying to get through this week with a better mindset and writing helps.

 

 

 

Re: Depressed partner pushed me out of his life

Hi @SOfrustrated thank you so much for your response, I’m so thankful to have an outlet in this forum.

 

I have just read your story and wow there are so many similarities to mine. One of the things that I’m really struggling with is being blamed for his unhappiness/our relationship break down. I genuinely tried everything I could think of to make him happy - hell, I gave up my job, friends and family to move countries with him in the hope he would be happier but still he blames me for his unhappiness, and while a part of me knows that can’t be true, I’m also looking at all of my behaviour and trying to see where I went wrong.

 

I’m also so shocked and hurt by this. We were planning on having a baby next year, and looking at houses to buy and suddenly it’s all gone. I can’t believe he has turned his back on me

like this, and he genuinely doesn’t seem to understand why I’m so upset.

 

At this point, I’m considering flying home so I can have the support of my friends and family. I’m conflicted though, because even though he is insisting that he is done with me, somehow me leaving him brings up so much guilt for me. I feel as if I’m abandoning him even though I really have no other options.  The thought of not seeing him fills me with dread, but the way he is behaving towards me now isn’t healthy either (he goes from being affectionate and almost needy to verbally abusive. It’s exhausting).

 

How did you get through the first few days/weeks? I’m absolutely devastated. 

 

Re: Depressed partner pushed me out of his life

Hi!

i think time and space is what he needs right now and it will do you the world of good too. Perhaps going back home and getting the support you need isn’t such a bad idea. Make it clear that you are not giving up on him. 

 

I am now 30 days of no contact. I highly recommend going no contact. It helps you heal. I constantly think about my ex but I have been doing stuff to improve who I am. He can no longer hurt me too.

 

i need to rant. I had my psych session yesterday. I still can’t get over how my ex told me that he changed his mind. But I am starting to realise how selfish and self-centred he was. There was no recognition of the life changing sacrifices I had made for him. I had packed up a lot of my house and I had to unpack those boxes. I resigned from my job. The way he handled the whole situation and me from that date was nothing but disgusting on his part. He should be ashamed at the way he did it. Not mature and completely unreliable and irresponsible. I know he has major issues but that doesn’t give you an excuse to treat another person the way he did me. He just didn’t hurt me that one time but it felt like it just kept coming. My psych was surprised that I am not more angry. So am I. I really should be.

Re: Depressed partner pushed me out of his life

Hi @SoSad, thank you for your reply.

 

I wish I was at the angry stage too but I’m just not there yet. Like you, I gave up a lot (job/friends/family) in order to keep this relationship afloat and now to his him country, and a few months in he just ‘changed his mind’. How can that be? I just can’t wrap my head around it. 

I cant help wondering if he’ll one day regret his decision and/or come to the realisation that he didn’t treat me respectfully and know just how much he hurt me.

 

I’m starting to think going home will be the best decision for me, I need the support and the emotional toll of being around his current moods is exhausting and really starting to upset me.

 

The thought of going no contact also daunts me, but I think it’s something I’ll have to do. He still maintains that we can talk everyday but I’m not sure? I’m just so hurt. 

 

I keep having to remind myself this is real, I can’t believe this is happening, I thought we were forever!!! 

Re: Depressed partner pushed me out of his life

@Charlierose the first few days and weeks...I’m not going to sugar coat it..they were horrible. I couldn’t go to work, I didn’t eat for almost 3 weeks I had zero appetite. I couldn’t sleep without sleep aids, I couldn’t get through a simple convo without crying...

 

but im slowly getting better. You just need to get through this really tough part. I also moved for him, and a year and a half into my move after we lived together for a year is when he “changed his mind” and needed space to “work on himself”. 

 

I was Absolutely devastated and still am, but no contact has helped, as much as I hate it. I desperately want him to come to the realization he screwed up, but honestly, I don’t think he’s capable. 

 

He’s always the victim and I did everything to try to make him happy. I thought I’d be engaged by my bday (in three weeks) and instead I’m living at my parents looking for a place to live and alone without the one person I thought I’d spend my life with. His ability to carelessly and recklessly discard my life and emotions when he signed an apartment lease behind my back was the most devastating betrayal I’ve ever felt. And he still doesn’t think he’s wrong.

 

I will tell u this much. These next few weeks/days are going to hurt. But you can do it. Take it day by bday,hour by hour, minute by minute. And I really suggest no contact. We need to remember our value and worth. Their behavior is cowardly, immature, mean, and just disturbing. It is not a reflection of us. If you distance yourself, perhaps he will have time to think clearer, and you too. 

My ex hasn’t reached out and Wednesday is the day he moves out of our apartment we once shared. It sucks, but this was his decision and he will have to life the rest of his life with that. I am not going to convince him to want to be with me and let me in through his “finding himself” process.

 

take each day one step at a time. Can you book even a flight home for a little, just to visit and see how you feel? I really suggest reading thought catalog, and researching “how ptsd affects adult relationships” or trauma in childhood. You will see things that sound familiar and you’ll realize you’re not alone. You need to be kind to yourself. Sit in the shower and cry. Let yourself grieve. But remember that you did nothing to deserve this mistreatment. The man who broke your heart will never EVER find anyone as good as you. He is lost, like my ex, and can’t think clearly. You do not need to save him. You need to focus on you.

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