Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Former-Member]

@Blacksheep 

This discussion thread might help you connect with others who are facing boundary issues.

[Faith56]

Hi. I joined this group last night as a standby and here I am the next day part of it.

My daughter has suffered from anxiety/depression for about 10 years.  She is 24 now and does not live in the same city as us.  Am I lucky that she shares her innermost thoughts with me.  I wake up to the sound of a message from her and a feel like a truck full of sharp edged concrete has fallen on me.  I'm finding it so hard to get on with my day, even get out of bed.  My husband doesn't get the messages and is actually jealous and moody.  I've suggested he contact her but he gets offended with what she says.  Just listen to her!!!! She's not herself!!!

of course I don't tell her what to do. I ask her how can I help.   What do you want from me on that day, in that moment.  I'm doing what I'm advised; I'm listening, acknowledging, supporting.... and I'm exhausted.   I'm procrastinating about anything that has to do with me.  
Im not sure how you set boundaries for my daughter. I have said to her once I think that for a particular issue I wasn't the person she needed.  
Im so grateful she is not on drugs nor is she a huge drinker.  Food is her go to. She has been diagnosed with a autoimmune disorder recently and is totally overwhelmed.  She has inherited it from me along with anxiety/depression.  Her dad won't admit to these health issues so it's all me 😄 you've got to laugh.  How can I get on with my life. 

[Secondone]

I use this forum when I feel completely alone. My daughter also does not live in the same city  as me and has trouble with her mental health and recently was very bad.  However I did find the boundary I could manage and each one of finds  what this is.  Don't be too disheartened finding what this is for yourself. Its hard - yes   And it changes over time Due the complexity of the issues we deal with. But Don't be too hard on yourself.  Keep talking through the post.  I'll be here listening and thinking of you. Take care and do something for you.  Being a wife and mother are not the only things you have. You have  you.  

[2cats]

Thank you, I needed to read this. 

When the  mental health journey starts when they are young, I did not appreciate I was a carer, I thought it was my role as the mum to provide all the support. It's  hard to switch between being the mum and the carer and back again. I realised  I needed to set boundaries and I am still trying to finalise these.

[Flurry0306]

I can so relate, it takes me even longer than 2 hours at times and him a few minutes

[Flurry0306]

Any ideas on how to have this conversation. My hubby's doctor has spoken to me via phone but I can not get to appointments and any counsellor, psychologist he has seen is not including me but they should shouldn't they at some point

[EssJay]

Hi everyone. Thank you for creating this forum. I am a new member to the forum and I am also very new to the live-in-carer role. I am really struggling with this man I care for. I will call him George. I have known George for less than a year as my neighbour. I spent months caring for him in a limited neighbourly capacity and, at his request, moved in and became his live in carer in September this year. His home was borderline squalid but I have cleaned it up and made it quite homely, comfortable and healthy. 

George is in his late 60s. He was obviously once a well built man but he is now rather frail. He has COPD and type 1 diabetes. He had a very bad MV accident 4 years ago and the totality of his injuries has yet to be fully determined. He has chronic pain to his back, neck, shoulders, and legs. He refuses to use a walking frame or even a walking stick. Also, his GP is currently investigating a possible ABI as a result of this accident. Geoff's short term memory is sporadic and at times non existent. 

I guess my main problem, and the reason i chose this thread, is that I am having a lot of difficulty setting boundaries. I feel that he has no respect for my feelings or opinion whatsoever. If we disagree on a topic he tells me he doesnt care how I feel; or if its not bothering him he doesnt care if it bothers anyone else; or "Well it's my house and that's the way I want it if you dont like it pack your s&@t and F&@? off." 

I'm starting to feel like I'm nothing but a servant. He does not assist with any cooking or cleaning. I dont mind doing the cleaning, but before i moved in he was cooking his own meals. Now, if I didnt cook for him he will make a passive aggressive comment and fix himself a piece of toast or something simple. He has never ever thanked me for cooking his dinner, nor for anything that I do for that matter. I change his linen and he will just say "Didnt need changing". He has even said to me "I dont need to thank you, you're getting paid for it. I feel very disrespected when he leaves excrement on the toilet seat, which happens several times per week and does not clean it off. Not in the bowl, I mean the actual seat that I have to sit on as well as guests He knows this upsets me yet he continhes to do it. His disabilities do not affect his ability to wipe up his own mess. He is quite happy to live in squalor but since I moved here he has become lazier and lazier. I feel like he is beginning to resent having a clean table to eat off or that I sweep the floors 3 or 4 times a day (we live almost beachfront and slso have a dog so the floors get really grubby)

Tonight George and I had a disagreement over the back door. We live in a very hot humid climate, I had just finished washing up so I was sweating, and when I finished I sat downon the lounge. George got up and switched off the fan and then closed and locked the back wooden door, even though the security door was already locked. I asked him to leave it open to let the air flow through. He said no he wants it locked from now on. I told him I'm hot George and I got up and opened it. When I asked him why he just said "because its my house and thats how its gonna

 be". Anyway, to cut a long story short, this escallated to the poont where he yelling at me within an inch of my face, then grabbing me and trying to push me aside to close the door. I did not touch him but I did not move. His nephew was here and intervened by jumping between us saying "Dont you touch her! Dont you ever touch a woman George". There was a lot of shouting and I thought it almost turned into a fist fight between them but instead, George sat down and called the police. Police attended and the nephew and I explained what was going on but George was still angry and told them to get us out. Police told him they would not intervene. 

My biggest problem is, he probably wont even remember any of this tomorrow. Sometimes I feel like he feigns his memory loss to save face or get his own way...

i dont even know how to approach the boundary setting subject. George isnt an kid or adolescent he is very stubbornly set in his ways because "thats the way ive always done it". I feel he wohld shoot me down and discard it as Rubbish if i were to bring up the topic. I cannot even begin to think of any consequence that he would even care about. 

PS: i gave up my unit to move in and provide care to this man and given the current rental crisis in my state, I have buckleys chance of finding accommodation if I were to leave. He really does need someone to help with his everyday living and I really do want to make this work. I dont know where to go for support, we are in a remote area and services here are nil

[SJT63]

@EssJay 

what a nightmare!

This can't go on for you, it just can't. I don't know what to suggest if there are no local services to assist - maybe talk to the GP?

Ultimately, this man's welfare is not your responsiblity if caring for him makes you unwell too. (I know this from experience)