Boundary setting: Hints and quotes

[Former-Member]

Boundaries are often mentioned in this forum and I think that understanding how they fit in with mental illness is very helpful. Over the next little while I will be posting hints and quotes in relation to boundary setting and please feel free to do the same.

Understanding the difference between boundary setting and enabling too is wise.  Enabling is a term that generally relates to substance abuse and an obvious example of this is giving a drunk a drink but extends to us doing things for someone which we think is kind but results in making it easier for them to continue unacceptable or irresponsible behaviours.

Dave Ramsey says that "Charity is participating in someone's healing" and I think in one setting where this is most apparent is in relation to adult children who live with their parents.

I felt that @Gemma20 was spot on and entirely reasonable with a boundary she is thinking of setting in another post where she writes:

"I am thinking of saying to him that we genuinely care about him and want to see him reach his goals. I will say that to live here permanently we have these conditions

1. Seek counselling Headspace has helped our other daughter.

2. Find a good GP you can build trust with.

3. Start thinking about what study etc you may want to undertake 

4. Not sleeping past 10am during the week when you are not working. 

5. Assist with chores around the house

6. Pay $50 board."

Having a clear understanding of how much, if any food is included in the board and when the $ amount will be reviewed might also be something Gemma might consider documenting in this proposed agreement.

A summary of boundaries is that

a. Each party is clear as to what the person making the boundary considers to be a reasonable condition or the person with whom the boundary is being set is clearly told what behaviours will not be tolerated and

b. If the line is crossed, what clearly articulated consequences they can expect to happen  and

c. Understanding that for boundaries to work that the person who made them must enforce the  consequence; it is not negotiable and 

d. Being kind to ourselves in the process and grieving if needed. We cannot take responsibility for others actions.

[greenpea]

@Former-Member  I Darcy very good thread to start up. Very thoughtful of you to start it too. I am sure many people will benefit from it. Love peax

[Gemma20]

Thankyou for raising this Topic Darcy as it is challenging knowing the balance between supporting someone and what are fair an reasonable bounderies. My eldest daughter struggles with anxiety and depression and as her mother I fell into into the trap of rescuing and trying to fix her struggles and allowing her to lash out at us. It become a bad habit and quite a toxic and at times she was physically aggressive. 

We have a younger daughter that we also have a duty of care for too. We warned her seek help to manage her anger or she would need to leave. She left for a few months stayed with friends couch surfing, then asked to come home. We explained that we loved her very much and want to support her however we can not go back to the stress we were under before. We all have the right to live in our home peacefully and that her outbursts and agression has become a bad habit and we do not deserve to be mistreated. We agreed to allow her to come home  on these conditions. 

1. Seek help for her mental illness

2. Talk to GP 

3. Seek help regarding weed addiction

4. No more lashing out at her family and damaging property.

5.Violence will not be tolerated and if this happens again she will be asked to leave and stay with friends for good.

My daughter still struggles however she is regularly going  to headspace. She is working part time and is responsible to pay for her own clothes, run her car and we have recently introduced $50/board.

To my surprise my daughter admitted that she needed these bounderies and she now has a better appreciation of her family.

I have learnt as hard as it is, I can't fix this for her. She needs to help herself but we can  set some bounderies, provide her with a safe and loving home whilst she finds her way. Enabling poor behaviour makes matters worse and from experience turns into a cycle of aggression and abuse. When I realised everyone is responsible to manage their own mental illness the weight lifted. I stopped feeling as overwhelmed and hopeless. I have learnt to give her space when she's having a bad day, to not take it so personally if shes in an unhappy mood, ensure shes eating well has a roof over her head and knows that she has a family that loves her. Just trying to keep hopeful that she will eventually find her way in her own time. I am so glad to have found this forum. Thankyou for all who contribute, support makes all the difference.

[Shaz51]

Hello @Gemma20 , @greenpea 

Great thread @Former-Member 

@Gemma20  wrote ; 

I have learnt to give her space when she's having a bad day, to not take it so personally if shes in an unhappy mood, ensure shes eating well has a roof over her head and knows that she has a family that loves her.

what you wrote is soo true @Gemma20 , and to keep remindig ourselves each day is important too 

[Former-Member]

[Former-Member]

[Determined]

Thanks @Former-Member This is a great idea for a thread.

I have  often stated on different discussions and thought it may fit here  that I find setting boundaries eaiser by viewing them as lovingly guidelines rather than rules to be enforced.

One of my biggest barriers is that boundaries is that it is something for children so boundaries for my wife did not sit well with my conscience.

A councillor however pointed out that boundaries and clearly defined outcomes actually create a sense of security for our loved ones. 

While I have let some slip around how I am treated, particually spoken to and violence, boundaries around self harm and reclass driving/ driving off in a rage have remained concrete and resulted in cessation of physical self harm and drive offs. She hasn't tested with a drive off but her last sa. Resulted in a trip to the ed which was a rather confronting experience.  She knows I am serious. There have been threats but a calm 'fine but you know the outcome is'  usually resolves the situation.

My current psychologist has been helping me with assertive communication around boundaries on how I am treated so this is a work in progress. 

Atm. What I get is 'if you don't like it leave 🙁

I am hopefull though that better communication on my part may help with this. 

I trust that this input will be helpful. 

[SoS]

@Gemma20 

I found what you wrote so helpful. It resonates so a strongly with both my husband and I. The part where you wrote "Enabling poor behaviour makes matters worse and from experience turns into a cycle of aggression and abuse" made my heart beat just a little faster as this is exactly where we are at the moment with our daughter. I acknowledged with my husband recently that we were enabling her poor behaviour because we've been making excuses for her that she's dealing with a lot, that her life is harder than it should be for a 19yo and that it will improve when her mental health improves. We've realised that things are not going to improve till we start following through with our boundaries and have clear consequences in place. I recognise this is where we are letting ourselves down, we have the boundaries but no follow through when she breaks the boundaries, probably mainly because we are afraid of her and her aggressive outbursts when things don't go her way. 

[Gemma20]

I am glad that what I wrote helped you a little. We were afraid of setting bounderies for our daughter at first as she was so deeply depressed and talked about killing herself often and we were afraid to tip her over the edge. We tip toed around her mood swings and we were living on eggshells and she pretty much ruled the house. Things had to change when her anger became out of control, kicking holes in the walls and the last straw was when she punched me on the arms. It was traumatising my 15 year old daughter too.  I called a helpline and they stated that I was a victim of domestic violence from my daughter. Well this really hit home and I finally realised the seriousness of the situation and knew this cycle had to stop. After warning her that the aggression violence had to stop & she didnt change her ways, I had to ask her to leave. I had a duty of care for my youngest daughter too. I felt like the worst parent in the world doing it but none of us could continue living like this anymore, my husband & I were at breaking point and my younger daughter traumatised. 

My advice is to sit down when your child is in a fairly good mood. Explain that they are now an  adult nand need to take steps like an adult of being responsible for their mental health to continue to live home. Explain that you love them and are here to support them but they need to make an effort too. It's not ok to lash out and dump on you. Afterall they are an adult and can choose to move out if they wish. Make it clear that aggressive behaviour will not be tolerated. Wishing  you all the best.

[Former-Member]