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Re: toxic friendship

@lilisteinn, a tricky situation...is it possible to set up some professional help for your friend? A psychologist, referral to psychiatrist, community mental health service, etc it loos like it has come to the point where she needs more help than you can give her. And your energy and ressources are also limited....

Re: toxic friendship

Hello @Olga,

my friend is already seeing a psychologist and waiting for her first appointment with the psychiatrist on july..

Re: toxic friendship

@lilisteinn 

Hello lilisteinn

 

I have read your posts and the others from forum members and understand that you have remained true to your friend for a long time. It is understandable that you are feeling drained, both emotionally and physically. You also appear not to have had the support of friends, that would have been given, except for the fact that your friend seems to need and demand almost all of your attention.

 

Since your first post on this forum, I am aware now from your answers, that you have sought professional assistance for both you and your friend, for medical and psychological assistance and support. From what I understand, you may not be in your home country. That must make your situation even more difficult. I imagine that the artificially imposed restrictions, as a result of the covid virus, have added to the difficulties that you are experiencing.

 

Being isolated from friends and family means, if I am correct, that when everything is so difficult, you do not have other people close by with whom you can discuss the day-to-day events, and at least share your concerns and hopes. I can understand how you would feel “completely lost about how I'm supposed to support her.” Your friend's depressed and anxious mood is very likely to be affecting you also.

 

You mention that you are doubting yourself, feeling everything is a huge mess and feeling very much alone. As a result of your friend's fear of being left alone, your activities are severely constrained. As a result of these circumstances, the immediate future must appear very bleak and disheartening.

 

The use of emotional restrictions, where people who are experiencing fears as your friend is, is not unusual. Though the imposition of restrictions and limitations, in this way, may not be through a conscious act of will, they can be extremely debilitating and draining, as you have described yourself feeling. It is very likely that, in a way, you feel trapped in the situation with your friend, with very little opportunity to relieve the tensions that you are experiencing.

 

One of the few ways that you would have available, without physically leaving your friend alone, is to communicate with other people and discuss your situation on a forum like this. You have answered my earlier concerns about professional support. I understand now that you are wanting to talk with people about your situation. This sort of discussion would help to clear up some of the pressure and anxiety that you are very understandably experiencing. I can also understand that, just as a certain food may be pleasant, too much can sometimes be toxic, and the same can apply to the emotional and psychological effects of the attributes of friendships and relationships. The challenges of a relationship can be rewarding, but if those challenges become too concentrated they can make a relationship toxic. That is not a reflection on the person concerned but of the circumstances. It appears that her actions and way of thinking are very irregular and may have been latent until some unusual situation or circumstance has brought them to the surface.

 

From the descriptions you have given, you have certainly put almost all that you can into supporting your friend. She is looking at you as her anchor in the sense of security.

 

I would like to know whether I have understood properly what you have described and your concerns. So I will now post this response to you and I look forward to hearing back from you lilisteinn

 

With My Very Best Wishes

HenryX

 

To let me know that you have replied, if you would like to, please add to the top or anywhere in the text “@HenryX” (without the quotation marks ”..”).

Re: toxic friendship

Hello @HenryX ,

 

I was a little bit surprised but the length of that message, took me a little bit more time to respond to it.

 

I do have friends' support. I have three close friends back in France who help me a lot with everything as well as my sister and Mom. The only thing is they start to be very scared for my own health now and think it will be better for me and her If we don't leave together..

 

Not seeking a professional assistance at this point would have been a huge mistake. The process is quite slow as the psychiatrist doesn't have much availability and her current psychologist has to go to Melbourne this week and can't maintain her regular appointment with my friend, which makes me anxious. 

 

To go back on the support, I do have friends where I can relieve my concerns, but they don't understand fully the whole situation, they don't understand how it is to leave with a friend that has depression. Most of them think "it's too much her reaction".

 

I'm doubting myself all the time, even before I met her, after, and now in this situation, I feel worst. I feel like I'm not a good friend If I think that I would be better separately, I feel like worst thinking that I reached my point of supporting her. 

 

Her fear of being alone is out of control, and because I'm the only one here for her, she really attached to me and doesn't understand why she has to meet new people if she has me. She doesn't understand why I need to see other people because I have her. It's just mean for her, that I prefer to spend time with my other friends than with her because they are better. And she actually told me that she doesn't want to get better because if she starts to be independent without me, I wouldn't want to see her anymore, like because she doesn't need my help anymore so what's the point to stay with her? It makes me really sad that she thinks that way and that unconsciously, she would prefer to stay in her depression, knowing that it drains me and make me feel like a mess...

 

I would like to thank you for your messages since the beginning, it looks like nothing, only messages on a forum, but it means a lot to me to see someone follow up with my situation and try to make me see things that I couldn't see, or help me put words on what I'm feeling.

 

Once again, thank you.

Hope you'll have a great afternoon and a very good week.

 

Lili.

Re: toxic friendship

Hey @lilisteinn 

 

Do you feel safe?  That's probably the most important question for now. 

 

 

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