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Alfred
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Struggling to Cope With Mentally Ill 20-Something Daughter

Basically, I want to know if there are any books I should read, or someone I can get advice from, or support groups I can join.

 

My wife and I are in our fifties and have a daughter & son (both in their twenties) who live with us in Melbourne.

 

Our daughter has had serious mental health issues for over a decade now. She had anorexia in her teens. In her twenties, she was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder by one therapist and later had that overturned by another therapist who has diagnosed her with autism and depression. She has been on so many medications, I've lost track of them all.

 

We were so focused on our daughter's needs that we failed to appreciate the full impact of these issues on our son, until he stopped going anywhere. He dropped out of high school and let all his friendships wither away. He developed a phobia of talking to people outside the family and we couldn't even convince him to see a therapist. However lately, he's started to get a bit better. Recently he sat a high school equivalency test, scored highly and has started applying for university.

 

Unfortunately, my daughter is getting worse. Academically, she runs rings around the rest of us. However, she has tried university and found she just can't focus. Plus, she has developed fibromyalgia and has trouble getting around.

 

And... she is very, very angry at us. She constantly complains that we are ignoring her. Whereas, I feel that we've done far, far more for her than our son. My wife and I both have demanding jobs but we juggle our work schedules to take her to appointments. We pay for her psychologist, psychiatrist, her medications and we are bail her out when she racks up debt on Afterpay. She can’t help but talk non-stop however, she gets angry if we don’t remember everything she said.

 

My daughter also complains that we are keeping secrets from her. The reality is we are all walking on eggshells as we don’t want to provoke an outburst.

 

My own father could be a bully and he would often gaslight my mother. Tonight I witnessed my daughter angrily accusing my wife of all sorts of stuff and I had a strong feeling of deja vu.

 

Neither my wife or I can cope with much more of this. We certainly made mistakes along the way, but I feel that we are basically conscientious people and we are not complete idiots, but we don’t know how to set boundaries and de-escalate this stuff.

 

Thank you for reading my rant.

 

Alfie

9 REPLIES 9

Re: Struggling to Cope With Mentally Ill 20-Something Daughter

Hello @Alfred and welcome to the forums 🙂

My goodness I'm so sorry to hear your story, it's a tough situation for you. I'm glad you found us.

 

As far as books and support groups I tend to google resources and have studied various over the years. Some councils provide support groups, I learned through a local hospital of options in my area. On the SANE home page there are links to click on for topics, depression, BPD etc...

 

There are many parents/carers here who will relate and let you feel less alone. I am one of them.

 

Before I call it a night I wanted to let you know I see and hear you. I hope you find some comfort here Alfie.

 

I'll tag some other members to say hi. I'll also tag a couple of threads that may be of interest. Take care Alfie 🙂

Parents Supporting Unwell Adult Children 

Re: Raising Awareness of BPD - Flipping the Script 

Self-care - Why can it be so hard? 

@Shaz51 @Smc @Faith-and-Hope @Determined 

Re: Struggling to Cope With Mentally Ill 20-Something Daughter

Hi @Alfred and welcome to the forums.

 

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through.  My ex husband started presenting with mental health issues and underwent a seeming change of personality and value system across a ten year period - add in co-revive control which included rages and stalking of / with digital technology, and it became quite frightening.   His addictions altered from workaholism and BED to a restrictive eating disorder and exercise disorder, with orthorexia and CH/SP to an unbelievable degree.

 

I had begun to see a psychologist seeking answers about what had happened to him, and how we could survive.  A book I came across was "Stop Walking on Eggshells" by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger.  Although it is based around BPD my counsellor said that it would help me to read it because, although he didn't believe my ex had BPD, a lot of the behaviours were the same and so learning strategies for managing them would help me.

 

I hope it provides you sone support too.

 

Unfortunately it seems that my ex had / has NPD and it was time for the Devaluation and Discard stages of his pattern of behaviour .... it was "textbook" really, for someone who knew what NPD was, which I didn't.  Sure do now ..... and still not out of the cement mixer yet, but getting there, step by step.

 

I hope you find the support you need to help sustain you here on the forums.  It is an amazing community.

 

 

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Re: Struggling to Cope With Mentally Ill 20-Something Daughter

I forgot to mention @Alfred, our youngest two children fell down with anxiety and depression under the influence of my ex's personality disorder, with symptoms not unlike your son.  They are rebuilding their lives in slow steps too - two steps forward, one back, most of the time, but progression is a forward movement nonetheless.  

My tip to you and your wife as carers:  slather on self-care.  It's not selfish.  It's essential.

 

Thanks for the tag @Anastasia .... 🌷

Re: Struggling to Cope With Mentally Ill 20-Something Daughter

Hi Alfie, I am so sorry that is certainly a heavy burden you and your wife are carrying. I can relate my eldest daughter suffered from Anorexia as a teenager and then again in her early twenties, she also has bouts of depression, but she hasn't lived with me for a long time. I also suffered a lot of guilt because she has a sister who has Downs Syndrome, and even though I tried really hard to give her and her brother equal attention. My daughter with DS, required a lot more especially when they were younger, and I didn't have a supportive husband either. I guess what I am trying to say is I feel your frustration, but we can beat ourselves up till the cows come home but it won't change anything. I wish I had some words of wisdom to help you but I don't. But I do care, and I wish you and your family well.

Re: Struggling to Cope With Mentally Ill 20-Something Daughter

Hi Alfie.

I only just found this website and forum, and felt I need to post You a response.

My quick thought: your daughters autism diagnosis should qualify her for NDIS supports and a plan, which may give her some capacity to take responsibility for managing her condition, to help her move forward.

The gaslighting is Insidious and extremely toxic, and should be called out. I lived with this from my ex wife for over a decade, and live with it still - the harm done is enormous if not nipped in the bud. I found it completely confusing and disorienting (ie losing grip on what was true and real). The fact you’ve got a diagnosis For your daughter makes me suspect not NPD, but who am I to make such comments? There’s a good checklist on this website I just read which is my ex wife (And mum to my two kids) to a tee.

I also relate to the issue with your son. My son has anxiety and is quite withdrawn. I won’t go into the details but his sister has a profound intellectual disability, and being a sibling can be particularly isolating. He’s also bourn the brunt of his mother’s disorder, which has confused the hell out of me, so it must be really hard for him.. anyway: Siblings Australia could be a source of support for him.

PS: here’s to sticking to truth and the virtue of conscientious parenting. It’s hard. But it is the only meaningful way. I’ve found reading and listening to Jordan Peterson extremely helpful for me these last few years to recalibrate and pull things out of the fog and deal with them. One of the most practical psychologists I have ever or (in this case) never met.

Re: Struggling to Cope With Mentally Ill 20-Something Daughter

Hi @Alfred,
Can relate all too well, but sadly I don't have any solutions.

Our own mid-20s daughter has been mentally unwell since her early to mid teens. She's got an uncertain MI diagnosis as she doesn't line up exactly with any one condition, but at the moment she's actually in the process of getting tested for autism, and we've been a bit gobsmacked at how much of her behaviour and personality traits line up with that... If the assessment doesn't show autism, we'll both be astonished, and stabbing in the dark again.

She hasn't had an eating disorder, but does have a long history of self harm, plus a number of medication overdoses. She has been diagnosed with fibromyalgia and other conditions as well, but there seems to be an underlying tendency to somatic pain and illness, on an unconscious level, so we often have no idea whether a diagnosis is correct, or whether she has reported all the "confirming" symptoms without being physically unwell. Very confusing.

She's more inclined to dependent than angry, but yes, we're often stepping on eggshells, not wanting to send her into a SH spiral. And she has a huge list of medications. She borrows money from friends rather than using any form of credit, but yeah, does that waaay too often.

And yup, it's affected other family members badly. Her two younger siblings have struggled/are struggling with education, and the whole family is significantly traumatised.

None of this is your fault. Regardless of what she says when she's angry. It's a real "punch in the guts" when someone assumes that our daughter's difficulties are due to poor parenting, but it's a false accusation. Like us, it sounds like you've done all you could and beyond trying to support her.

Re. support groups- I've found this forum to be invaluable. It's really helpful sometimes to be able to talk through issues anonymously, or simply to virtually "catch up" with people who understand how complicated life can get when there's a MI family member. There's also in-person carer support groups around. It's best if it's a group that's specifically for carers of people with MI or autism. General carers groups are often more focused on physical disabilities or dementia, and there may not be the kind of support you need available there. There's some mental health carers options listed here. I'm in rural VIC so can't speak personally about any of the Melbourne Metro groups. https://www.tandemcarers.org.au/metro.php

Also, seriously think about finding a psychologist for yourselves. This stuff is hard going. We (Hubby and I) see a local psychologist about once a month, and her well informed support is invaluable.

I came across an article recently about autism's co-morbidity with ADHD... a very common co-occurence. Something that really jumped out at us was that ADHD = very poor impulse control, and as a result, a strong tendency to get into debt or blow the budget on impulse buys. I've copied the link here in case it's helpful for you. I don't know whether your daughter would be receptive to the info, but maybe it'll give you a framework for the Afterpay issue.

https://www.abc.net.au/news/2019-05-31/how-adhd-affects-your-wallet-mental-health-kids/11158952?nw=0

Re: Struggling to Cope With Mentally Ill 20-Something Daughter

@Alfredmy heart goes out to You and Your Mrs around this situation. You sound like an intelligent Father with two kids who have had big life  challenges and  effects ..... You both trying to manage the family dynamics.  Great to hear your son is starting to find his way. I can only imagine how exhausted you and your wife are from your daughters mental health issues , Im exhausted hearing just this snippet of how hard it is after alll the efforts youve made to love her and care for her and not seeing much progress in her wellbeing.  Know her paranoia and ways of thinking and perceiving the word come from the lens of her illness.

To be quite frank Yes she is running rings around You both . You said so yourself ...... and You two Parents  getting support to hold strong boundaries around some of her behaviours is where something can really shift. Some tough love may be required though  . Please remember though that once you hold a boundary the shit literally hits the fan as your child (even adult ones)  pushes against it and big tantrums can occur . She's 20 something having free board, Youre paying all her therapy bills too  and you're like the bank bailing out her AfterPaY bills where she isnt accountable for her spending.. Im mad on your behalf for how she's taking advantage of your kindness and generosity.

I am someone with a mental illness however it doesnt excuse me from treating others badly even if Im having difficulty self regulating. Hurting others or taking out my emotions on others affects them. Being bailed out means I dont have to be accountable for my actions .... There were moments in my 20s I racked up debt and had to think will I declare myself as bankrupt? I found my way to a financial counsellor and paid it off slowly. Everything I learnt been a big part of me growing up on the way.

All the best in finding the right kind of support for You both. May your daughter tooo find ways of having her growth supported too.

Re: Struggling to Cope With Mentally Ill 20-Something Daughter

@Alfred 

I am glad you had so many caring and experienced responses. 

Smiley Happy

Mental Illness in the family is never easy.  Sadly I have had a lot.

Somehow the nuclear family gets less support these days and when more isolated it increases issues for all.

 

Sounds like she is clever and verbal and may need to find ways to manage her own intensity.  Anger can be transmuted into creativity or fitness or whatever is her thing. That challenge is up to her. Cos she is grown up now.

 

RESPECT. Maybe she will feel better about herself if she can behave better within her family.  We all have limits, adult, children, and parents of any age.

 

Family therapy websites and videos may help you find and set reasonable boundaries for YOUR reponsibilities. Look around for what sits right with you.  Dont give all one way.  People feel better inside when they accomplish tasks of maturity.

 

There is no law that says every word need be heard, relationships are more two way ... than that.

Maybe calling out her responsibilities to 1) pay her way and 2) to contribute in small ways to the household.  Also limiting her sense of right to throw anger around.  

 

Anger can be a tool in personal growth but should not be used to hold loved ones to ransom.  I do not like people using mental illness as an excuse to abuse. I have seen far too much real hardship. idk Tough Love ... firm boundaries ... love you, but not taking your aggression ...like punching bag ....??? Reduce previous support in small steps if that feels safer.  Tantrums really are important for children of toddler age ... I do try and catch my kids being good too.

 

Sorry I am not more help, just some thoughts.

Apple

Smiley Happy

Re: Struggling to Cope With Mentally Ill 20-Something Daughter

Stay strong.. keep searching. be true too yourself.. gas burns out.
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