Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Bella1978]

Hey @outlander just been reading through some of the posts on this thread. I wanted to check in with you and see how you are doing, and how is your pop? (Excuse my ignorance but pop is your grandpa, yes?)

We are all doing the best we can - that is what I remind myself too.

I care for my mum who is 73 years old. She is slipping downhill with her depression but just doesn't see it atm. She has other physical health conditions too but her depression is rearing its ugly head atm. She can't see it though - I'm feel stuck as to what to do. I saw her psych today and he suggested increasing her meds. She wont do it though. She digs her heels in and the more stern I am with her, the worse it is grrr

[outlander]

hey @Bella1978 sorry to keep you waiting got abit side tracker and wanted to answer you properly. 

im struggling alot with my mh but im hoping in time things will get easier. im at the hard part now which is reliving the traumas. my pops going ok, hes decided to go up to his brothers house for a few days. he lives 3 hrs away however have a good set up with people up there in case something happens. 

yep my pop is granpa (mums dad)  hes 78 this yr. the can be so stubborn cant they. it must be scary loosing their independence quite alot too. have you got some supports for yourself as well for when thigns get tough? 

some people are in denial over  their mh issues,.. have you connected with carers australia at all? they could probably give you some good suggestions too?

[Bella1978]

Hey @outlander ... I'm sorry to hear you are also struggling with your mental health and reliving past traumas. Caring for another person definitely places a lot of mental strain and stress on us.

Hopefully with your pop staying at his brother's house you can have a bit of time for yourself. Do you have anyone else helping you care for your pop? Or any supports in place? I have an older sister but she doesn't do anything when it comes to mum, plus mum has a very different relationship with her than with me and my sister can also trigger anxiety and depression in my mum. My sister and I both have mental illness too.

The thing with mum is that she knows she has depression and she is on medication for it but she can't see that she is spiraling downhill at the moment.

Yes, I went to Carers WA last week and spoke to a counsellor which was good and I'm going to see what other support I can access for myself through them. I have to admit coming across this website has also been a lifesaver. Being able to give and receipt support from others who are in a caring role is invaluable, and something I really needed.

[outlander]

Hey @Bella1978
Im just logging off now but will be back in the am. Im over the east side in nsw and is 11pm here. Thank you for your post id like to give a better response in the morning if thats ok

Goodnight ❤

[outlander]

evening @Bella1978 how are you today? sorry for the delay in responding to you. 

ill get abit of break while pops away thannkfully however itll be the long weekend (easter) which is a really hard time for me and easter is when a major trauma occurred for me. mum will also be working so ill have the kids pretty much every day so its not really  a break. but a few hrs to myself each day will do for sure. no, no one else helps me with pop despite having a relatively large family. not one other person will help instead they critise me and judge me for the way i work and point out every single mistake i make. my pops not much better though, i think he feeds off the attention when he talks about my mistakes or his troubles (ie with sleep) and makes out im not doing anything. 

oh bugger about your mum not being able to recognise. some cant recognise it though. i wonder if journalling or having a mood journal would help her recognise patterns, or when she detoriates?

im really glad youve got some supports in place too. and im glad you found us here too, coming here was a very good decision for me too. 

[Bella1978]

Hi @outlander

Sorry for late response - today was a very long day for me! I got home not long ago from the hospital as mum was admitted last night. She wasn't responding to me - she was breathing and had a pulse but not talking or opening her eyes. I spoke to her psychiatrist over the phone this morning - he said it could be her way of just shutting down, not having to face what is going on, especially as she was in denial of not being well. Being in a deep depression or anxiety could have brought it on. Anyway, she is still in hospital to be medically cleared (physically) before they can transfer her to a mental health hospital.

I'm really sorry to hear that Easter brings up bad memories for you. Joyous occasions can bring up so many different things for us. Sending you big hugs.

I'm so sorry that you don't have help from your family - especially as you have such a large family. You know what though .... I think when family members see that someone else is willing to take on the caring role, they take a step back as they know they don't need to do it. And the fact that you get criticised by family members no doubt adds to your stress. I constantly tell myself that I am doing the best I can. It is sometimes hard, especially when I see mum's mental health decline - I start questioning myself. But I am positive that you are doing the best you can. It's a tough gig caring for someone else and I think you have to be a pretty special person to take that role on. Be proud of yourself for what you are doing, it is such a selfless act. And I'm sure your pop appreciates everything you do for him.

As for my mum, I can see the signs when she is unwell but she can't. Mum has never been a person to really open up about stuff - she keeps it to herself. I wish she would journal or open up to a social worker. She is very set in her ways though. I can try though 🙂

[outlander]

oh dear @Bella1978 sorry to hear about your mum. what your decribing does sound like her way of shuttng down in a more extreme form of dissociation. still breathing etc but not responding mentally- like being right off into lala land. i experience that too when my depression gets bad or im really overwhelmed thats my way of shutting down too. good luck with everything in regards to that. make sure your taking care of yourself too  

i wish i had of found these forums when i was 18 and more starting out to be a carer (im 21 now) and even before then when i was a younger part time carer for my nan. im luckyy in the sense that pop is relativley high functioning most days but is wearing down quickly and struggling more and more and i think starting to show signs of dimentia.

thank you for your kind words too they mean alot   yes it really sucks having a family that doesnt help. they barely stepped up to the plate when i ended up in hospital with a mh breakdown last yr. thats kind where the higher functioning came in handy. 

my pops going to his brothers house for a few days over easter so at least a few hrs to myself outside the rest of the family roles and expectations.  itll be challanging keeping myself safe though without him here if things go abit haywire. one day at a time though yeah

do you have any self care planned for yourself tonight? maybe a  nice hot bubble bath and an early bed?

[Bella1978]

Hey @outlander - aaw you're only 21 - you're a young chooken. I admire you for taking on such a big task at such a young age. Yep, these forums have really helped me so much over the past few days. I've never been able to talk about this stuff to people that truly understand and everyone is so kindhearted.

I'm really sorry that your family weren't there for you when you needed someone to care for you. At the back of my mind I do wonder what would happen to mum if something happened to me - then I lock that thought away at the back of my mind cause I don't want to deal with it lol

How is your mental health these days? Are you better than you were in the past? Mental health is very erratic ... I know I start thinking "ooh everything is good" when things are going well but freak out when those good things stop and bad things start happenning! Nothing lasts forever though hey? The good times and the bad times. Such is life! But making the most of the good times and really appreciating them is definitely the way to go!

Do you have some plans in place to make sure you are safe over the Easter period? If you see yourself not doing too well, are there things you can do to make sure you stay safe?

Tonight I am laying on my bed, laptop in hand and responding to messages on these forums hehe ... I am quite relaxed and feel good reading all the messages. I went for a walk this morning and making sure I continue doing so as it is part of my self care. Having a lovely quiet night tonight 🙂

Always remember you are doing an awesome job, and like I said be proud of yourself for what you are doing. Don't ever doubt yourself when family members put their 2 cents worth in. It is easy for people to judge others, just be careful not to take what they say on board.

[outlander]

Aww your very sweet @Bella1978 i grew up very fast so i dont really feel like im 21 but in a way still feel like a baby sometimes.
When i went to hospital last yr i got blasted by my family about being an attention seeker. And tried to end my life. Thankfully my mh has become more steady over thr past yr mostly because of these forums and the support and guidance ive had. Still have some extreme ups and downs though.
I would expect if something more serious come up others would step up but also things like ndis could help too and carers aust if it come down to things but cross those bridges when we get to them .

Um ive got a safety plan and can use the helplines. Im usually ok. The thing that scares me most about this trauma is it causes me to see and hear things that arent really there. Thats the harder thing to manage atm.

Sounds like a nice night for you. I walk quiteabit too and know alot of members do too as part of self care. What other sorts of things do you like to do?

And thank you ❤

[Bella1978]

Yeah, I have my sweet moments @outlander hehe ... I'm struggling to keep my eyes open lol ... I hope you don't mind but I will log back on tomorrow and respond to your message ... really enjoying our chats! All righty, you be good and sleep well and I shall chat with you tomorrow x