Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Audrey]

Hello @Shaz5, @Former-Member, @CarerJo,

I hope you are all well 🙂 Firstly thank you so much for the support - i have certainly needed it.  Carerjo - i hope the week is starting off better for you.  As our circumstances are so similar I know how much its like walking on eggshells so much of the time.

For me things have been like a bit of a rollercoaster.  Ive taken everything you have said on board, and I am working t be less combative, and not bite.  I also googled expressed emotion - which i found interesting,  I can see his family having a lot of the critical comments and hostility, whilst i absolutely tend to overinvolvement. My nature is such that I am an absolute carer, and nurturer, and so I want to support him.  I can see (and thisis probably not new information, just a lable and an ability to see psychologically the impact on his welfare) that by caring so much and doing so much (pretty much everything) for him, the negative aspects.  

In terms of actions I have taken to move forward, Ive been scrolling through these forums for information, its helpful to not feel alone, or abnormal, and its helpful to see how other proplr have worked through things like this.  I have bought myself a journel, writing things down certainly helps to get things off my chest.  I have seen a few friends, which was just a really great escape and ability to forget that things are prety crap at home.  I have also been working at just leaving him alone when hes angry.  My natural tendency is to want to fix it, so i push and push which only makes things worse.  @Former-Member your comments around me not being responsible for his happiness and vice versa stopped me in my tracks, logically I knew this - you cant hand responsibility off to people, but I think maybe I was taking this on, but also handing my happiness over to him, so this has really helped me to get some perspetive and to think about things very differently  I also realised, that something i used to tell my teams all the timeis relevant here - perception is reality - so whilst on my side, I dont see myself intending some of the things my partner takes issue with - ie correcting his view on my motivations, his perception of this is his reality - which I can not control.  What I can control is me and my reactions - so if giving this informtatio makes him angry and my goal is not to do that, then a good start is to stop trying ot give him that information.  Finally, I am taking actions for me, I tend to have destructive behaviour when things get bad, so my focus is to be more aware of this and my triggers.  

thank you all for your support, for listening and for just hearing me.  Its been a really long time since I havent felt judged (and not that people are doing this more its my perception), and Ive been able to get a lot of stuff out that has been stuck inside me for a long long time.....

[Former-Member]

Hi @Audrey

It is hard to not let our own moods be reflective of our partners ups and downs, it is still very much a work in progress for me as I too can get a bit lost in the caring role.  Am slowly making inroads on the self care front 😀  finding incremental but sustainable changes working well.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Audrey @CarerJo

How are you going?

[Audrey]

Hello @Former-Member,

Thank you for checking in!  Firstly - I have to say I have realised your forum name and implications and need to tell you - the BBC version of Pride and Prejudice is literally my most favourite....  🙂 

Secondly - Im doing ok - journaling is really helping - I got myself a MHC plan to star talking to someone and I have an appt tomorrow.  I have also started actually applying for jobs - ive been waiting for one to fall in my lap has always been the case in the past but Ive realised I might actually have to put some effort into it this time if I am going to be as picky as I am!  

So whilst things at home have resembled a roller coaster you cant get off of - Im making sure I do the things I need to to manage myself. I have to say - the thing that I have really been focusing on is the fact that my happiness is my responsibility and his is his - that has been a MASSIVE help at reframing things for me and its been great for me to reflect on this eachday!  thank you for checking in.

@CarerJo I hope you are doing ok 🙂 

[Shaz51]

 Hello @Audrey, @Former-Member, @CarerJo

sorry @Audrey, I did not get your message sorry but have been thinking of you lots xxx

[Audrey]

Hello @Shaz51, @CarerJo, @Former-Member, @nashy

I hope you are all

doing well 😊.  Things on my end have very much been a roller coaster, but im

working on those things I’m responsible for.  I’ve started to see my own psychologist, and am feeling good about that relationship.  I also convinced my partner that couples therapy wouldd be good to help us work through things, and we had our first session this week.  We didn’t cover much, but we were able to highlight what we felt the biggest challenges were, and we have further weekly sessions organised.

i am so glad I found this forum, even just reading through And seeing other people that I empathise with, who I understand and who I feel can understand my situation.  

Thank yyou everyone and and I hope you are  taking good care of yourselves 😊