Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Sonny1]

Hello

I am struggling quite a bit at the moment. My mum has significant mental and emotional health issues and has had them pretty much my whole life. Just in the last little while i came to the realisation that ihave been her primary carer for all of my life without knowing it. Due to this i personally have suffered emotional neglect and abuse and struggle quite badly with my own mental and emotional health issues due to this. as my mother is getting older and is starting to get memory loss issues and her physical mobility is becoming more limited my worst fears are coming true - continue to look after her. I'm burnt out, over it, exhausted, want to get on with my own life. (I'm 39). i dont get too much help from my father and brother and we are in th process of acessing some external help - ACAT assessment and Mental health support. These external supports could take upto 8-10 weeks waiting list - I know its not that long compared to others but I'm at the end of my tether and it feels so far away especially after spending my whole life trying to tell doctors there was something wrong only to be told "There is nothing wrong with her" and my mum constantly fighting with me, argung with me about getting professional help instead of using me. I spend alot of my time researching services, booking appointments, taking to appoinments, cleaning out a hoarded house (2X10 hour days in the past month). Walking sticks, light exercise in pools to help movement, medical summaries for ACAT assessments, making sure she does the exercises from physio, being there for mental health meetings, organising counselling. it's endless. And it has screwed me up in the process - I see a counsellor myself and am trying to help myself. And I really stuggle with socialising, friendships, intimate relationships due to growing up in this environment and to be frank i'm exhausted and feellike the walking wounded and would prefer to spend time by myself to recouperate, but alot of the time depression and loneliness creeps in. Thank you for allowing me to vent and to be heard. Any feedback, advice, strategies would be more than welcome. Thank you   

[Jayne2]

Hi 

I understand how you are feeling. I am 59 and my 30 year old son has mental health issues. Like you I am exhausted emotionally and have withdrawn from social life almost completely. I don't have the answers but you are not alone and talking to others in similar situations is helpful. Are there any groups in your area that you could attend and share your issues? Waking in the fresh air helps me, I always feel a bit better when I am away from the situation for a short while. Your development will have been affected by your mums issues so counselling may be useful in areas of relationship and socialising etc. Please reply if you wish to, I am happy to chat any time

jayne 

[Shaz51]

Hello @Sonny1, @Jayne2, and welcome to the forum

Like you I am exhausted emotionally and have withdrawn from social life almost completely.

you are not alone my friends , I find it hard to find a good balance as my husband has MI and also looking after my mum who is 86 and very frail and independent person

what do you do for your own self care , you need to look after yourself to look after others , I am still learning

what things do you like doing , i find doing small selfcare each day works better for me

also what does you mum like to do , my mum loves gardening and crossword puzzles ( I get told I should not let my mum do the garden ) but she is happy

[Shaz51]

Hello @meherenow , how are you tonight my friend xx

[Sonny1]

Hi @Jayne2

Thank you so much for your kind email. I hope that you are doing well. It is so tough at times. Thank you for your support. I think it's just nice to know that you are not alone and that people actually care. I will have a look around to see if there are any groups in my area. I have found that I have had to take a bit of a step back for a little while and look after myself, otherwise I am no use to anyone. I took some time out for myself on Monday night after a local jazz festival and hung out with some friends at the end of festival jazz jam. It was great and filled me up. Thank you againg for your support and aknowledegement. I do appreciate it. Cheers Cindy

[Sonny1]

Hi @Shaz51

Thank you so much for your message, kind words and support. It's so hard to socialise when you feel so empty. I take my hat off to you looking after 2 of your loved ones. It's so nice to know that we are not alone in this and can support each other. I find these forums very helpful.

Selfcare - I try to find things that I like to do all of the time. I find exercise really helpful, journalling and music.

Like you I am starting to focus on the things that my mum enjoys doing rather than pushing the ones that she doesn't - like going to the pool and walking rather than just walking and she is cleaning up her house alot more now so i'm just helping where I can at the moment.

Thank you again for your kind words and support hope that you are doing well too. 

Take care.

[Sonny1]

@meherenow

Thank you for your kind and helpful words. This is very helpful. Thank you. Cheers Cindy

[Shaz51]

yes @Sonny1 , Balance is the key , which is soo hard at times

and when you are told what you should do is hard too , Like my mum had major surgery to remove 15 inches of dead bowel , in february and went down to 39 kgs

take care my friend

[Jayne2]

Hi Cindy
So pleased you took some time for you. It's important to clear the mind and helps put things into perspective a bit.
Caring takes its toll when it's someone you love, it would be much easier if it was someone you didn't care for so much.
I feel numb to the rest of the world, have no real interest in anything anymore preferring my own company most if the time. Yet that is a trap as it leads to isolation.
I could happily spend my life in bed away fro the world.
Keep up with the self care - it's hard but worth it