Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Hey28]

Hi

This is my first post and I appreciate being able to use a service such as this. My father is 79, lives alone, and has struggled with depression for most of his life. He refuses to get any professional help even though I have asked and pleaded with him many, many times. He has always been very untrusting of other people, has a short fuse and in the past has been very aggressive both physically and verbally. He refuses to use his credit cards anymore because he will get hacked. He refuses to use phone banking because he will get hacked. He refuses to use email or do anything online because he will get hacked. He refuses to access MyAged Care because they will 'hack' and use all his information. Information that Medicare and Centrelink already has...makes no sense. He refuses to get certain medical procedures done because he doesn't trust Doctors. He refuses to talk on the phone or text me certain information because someone might be listening or reading the texts...so we have to meet face to face to discuss things. He now thinks his phone screen froze because he couldn't answer some calls for a few hours and someone was annoyed about that so they hacked his phone and froze it. He also gets very angry and aggressive if I try and help him with things but don't do it exactly the way he wants. He became very aggressive when I suggested he get a Telecross call during lockdown and berated me about how he wasn't disabled or useless. He eventually did arrange to get a daily call, as he does have a chronic lung and heart condition, through St Johns because the Red Cross, in his words...were useless when they called. He is aware I have a chronic health condition, I am on the DSP, which means I must lead a low stress lifestyle. However when I ask him to ask other people for help, not just me, he refuses because he doesn't want to, his words...go crawling on his hand and knees sucking up to other people for help, this includes my siblings. I would appreciate any feedback or advice. Thanks.

[Shaz51]

hello and welcome to the forum @Hey28 

letting you know that you are not alone

how aer you today 

my elderly mum took a long time to even  say yes to "meals on wheels"

and she tells everyone that she does not need any help , my daughter (me) will do it 

@Former-Member, @Faith-and-Hope , @Smc 

[Hey28]

Hi Shaz51 thanks for your msg and sharing your own experience with your Mum. It is much appreciated.

I have talked to a few people about my Dad's situation  who work in aged care settings. They explained how very independent people struggle to accept they are getting older and really do need help. It can be about pride, fear of losing control and losing their independence. They said it can be a fine line between supporting and enabling. Obviously when you care about someone it is difficult seeing them suffer or be in denial about the reality of the situation. They suggested talking to my Dad openly and honestly about how his unwillingness to seek help from others and his over reliance on just one person, me,  is not a sustainable option. Expecting just one person to do everything for you is not a realistic option, especially when there are so many services available in the community. What happens if something happens to me, I am unwell or have to go away? They also said I should let him know that his unwillingness to seek help is negatively impacting my health and wellbeing. They said he might see the stress he is causing me and be more willing to reach out and share the load with others or even professional organisations.

I think this will be a very challenging conversation. I agree this is not a sustainable situation and I don't want to end up enabling Dad to avoid what really is the right thing to do for both our sakes.

Thanks again for your msg. Take care

[Shaz51]

@Hey28, hugs 

good advices there, and also is there a family member of a friend that your dad would listen too , take advice from 

alsodont try too many things for your dad to chage with , go nice and easy saying one help at a time too 

very important for your self care too 

Carers Hints and tips to Success 

[Hey28]

Hey Shaz51 thanks for your advice. No other family members want to get involved. No friends, Dad is a lone wolf. Extremely weary of outsiders only trusts me. Take care