I can’t cope

[Captain24]

Hey @tyme 

Good to see you. 

Yeah.. really tough. You know it’s bad when I actually call for help. 

How are you

[tyme]

Sorry to hear this @Captain24 . What is something you can do to help at this time?

Are you off the rest of the week?

With me? My brain is cold...lol.

I had a tyre puncture this morning. I was on the freeway and it kept beeping. I pumped it up to 40psi and after 15 mins or so, it went down to 26psi...

So I went to get it repaired.... but it didn't work out. They couldn't repair it. There were 2 nails in the tyre. 

I'm thinking, "Yeah, oh well, I'll just replace it". Have a guess the price for a tyre!

[Captain24]

I’ve had a shower, fed the dogs and put the tv on. @tyme. I’m holding a cold can of coke (Part of my SP), and put my means in a hard to reach spot. 

I don’t go back until Monday. But I have this f’ing BBQ on Saturday. I meant to do some cleaning for it today but I spent the day in bed. 

I love that description, your brain is cold. Did you ever get the ADHD assessment? 

That’s rough luck getting 2. One they can fix but two can’t be. My tyres are $295. 

[AuntGlow]

This sounds like a good plan, I am very proud of you for reaching out. How are things feeling at the moment? @Captain24 💛

[tyme]

Nice... as long as you don't 'freeze' holding that coke! Do hot showers help? Really 'feeling' the hot water? @Captain24 

Recently, I've been doing a lot more mindfulness sessions and this is helping me to control my thoughts. I'm not sure if you've ever felt what it is to 'control' your mind... I don't know how to explain this better. I'm not a freak or anything, but I feel there is this amazing superpower to be able to harness the mind and the thoughts.

I found that with mindfulness practice, I'm more able to do this.

What are you watching on telly?

Also... my ONE tyre was $700!!!!

And the place didn't have any in stock so they had to go to the warehouse to pick one up... so yeah... that's my morning gone.

[Captain24]

Hot showers do help. ‘Feeling’ the hot water but also noticing it running over your body. Noticing the soap bubbles float around your body really just feeling what is happening. @tyme 

The cold, funnily enough, helps to ground me and the cold can needs to be coke. There is something about drinking coke.. I know.. weird. 

We did chair work yesterday in my psych appointment. My punitive voice told me all the things that I think about myself, that box that I open. Then I had to respond to that voice. I couldn’t I just said to my psych that it’s all true and I broke down completely. Then my healthy adult self had to say what it thought. It was interesting dividing into three. But I have now separated into the 3. We have named my punitive voice ‘Carra’ when she appears I have to tell her to f@ck off. My psych spoke to my punitive voice while I was in the ‘me’ chair. It was all weird but somehow it changed things. It was a massive appointment.

However since that appointment I have spent most of my time in bed. Today it just all got too much. Tonight has been the worst. Plus it’s really cold here and has been overcast and raining all day. It’s snowing somewhere near here because the wind is so icy cold that it’s coming off snow. So the weather isn’t helping. 

Anyway.. that long-winded response was to say I think I kinda get what you are saying. It’s just mine needs a lot of work. 

Im glad you have found it and are working on it. I think if I get it it’ll be really helpful. 

Im watching Masterchef. Something lighthearted and not triggering in any way. 

What kinda car do you have?? That’s more than a 4x4 tyre!!! What a shit morning! 

I just got off the phone with SCBS again. @AuntGlow  The guy did grounding. A-Z of countries. It was helpful. I’ve called twice in 2 hours which is a lot. Considering I refuse to call. I guess I need a lot of support right now. 

Sorry I’m not recovery focused but I just really need to get through each minute. 

[tyme]

Hearing you. I LOVE coke... to drink. It's bad!!! It's addictive. But I'm glad it's working for you.

I know I've mentioned this in the past, but one thing I've noticed about you is that when people share strats, you always give them a go. That's what would make you the 'perfect' client.

The A-Z sounds really helpful.

Thank you for sharing about your therapy session. It sounds so intense! Did the psych do something at the end to 'bring you back' 'to the here and know? 

I've noticed that some of the hardest therapy sessions I've had have been the most helpful. I wonder if this is the case for you too?

Also, I have an electric car. The tyres are engineered differently to withstand the load of the battery. So yeah.... $700 later... I'd better not get more nails in it tomorrow! Thank goodness I got paid yesterday! Oh, and also, with EVs, they don't have spare tyres. @Captain24 

Masterchef sounds pretty okayish... not for me, but if you need a distraction, why not?

[Captain24]

I know the coke thing is really random but I guess, whatever works @tyme. I’m addicted to energy drinks so I guess coke is probably the better option. 

I couldn’t do the chair work last week but this week it worked out. I just think that you have to give everything a go. Never know what works. Eg coke! 

We do A-Z when I’m impatient so at least I had an idea of what was going on. It refocused my mind. 

We did talk simple things after it but she did do the depression score at the end which is a trigger so it left me pretty out of sorts. One thing she didn’t do was check on my safety. We did go 30 mins overtime though. 

I think it was helpful, well actually it was, I just need to get through the aftermath. At the moment it doesn’t feel like I will. Hence 2 calls tonight.

I have a hybrid so at least it’s the same as a normal car and I have a spare! 

Never sort of think about what is involved with electric cars. I guess they are light and heavy battery that the weight would be dispersed differently. A guy at work has an electric car and we give him hell since we work in a coal mine!!! Electric cars are hard out here though. There’s only a few around. 

[AuntGlow]

Showers help me heaps too @Captain24 @tyme.

That is so interesting about the coke! It sounds like it is a familiar and comforting thing for you, which can increase all those feel-good chemicals our brains are craving, so that makes sense actually. 

You did it!! Putting yourself in the chair is very bloody brave. And finding it hard to soothe or challenge that inner-critic voice is a very normal part of the process. I couldn't look at my inner child with love for a very long time when I did this work, it's been a process. A lot will unfold in time, you will see. ☺️

It's okay to need extra support right now, you are slowly expanding your ability to sit with discomfort. It makes sense that you would need some more soothing right now. 

Hmm, I think you are doing rather well at trying to be recovery focused. 

[Captain24]

T/W mentions suicide

It was so hard @AuntGlow but I guess this journey isn’t going to be easy. 

I have found my inner child but I don’t know what to do with her. She is there and she is hurting. 

I feel I need so much support right now. Just to know people do actually care. To know I do have people in my corner. I have nothing now for 2 weeks. I think it’s going to be hard. I’m hoping not. 

I didn’t think I was being recovery focused. I’ve barely been outta bed and I’ve had to call twice for being suicidal. Not just thoughts of suicide.