I can’t cope

[rav3n]

hey @Captain24!

yesss i'm so proud of you for telling yourself that it's ok!! the best part of having friends that understand, is that they don't expect perfection. that's a really great reframe you got there 😊

aw nooo, sucks to hear about the kangaroo!! it's so hard when animals just randomly hop onto the road at the worst times 😕 

how's your Tuesday going?

[Captain24]

Hey @rav3n 

I met this friend in hospital so she really gets it. We check in on each other all the time. So she will understand. I know she will be really anxious when she gets here after driving from Sydney and I don’t think she realises the traffic through the blue mountains! I’m hoping that she misses some of it leaving before peak hour. 

I’ve just woken up. I have night shift again tonight but it’s the last one until Monday. 

[rav3n]

@Captain24 fingers crossed her drive to yours goes okay! peak traffic especially in areas i'm not super familiar with would overwhelm me too. how often do you both meet up face to face?

ooo yes, glad to hear you'll have a bit of a break from the night shifts. has your sleep/energy levels been okay? or still feeling a bit flat? 

[Captain24]

The blue mountains is horrendous on fridays and sundays. She’s travelling both days! @rav3n 

We met each other the first time I was in hospital 2 years ago and then we were both in together 6 months later. I went down and saw her in August and then this is the first time she has been here. So not often! 😝 

My sleep has been hit and miss. I’m still having some trouble with it. Once I start moving I have energetic for a little while but then I have to push really hard. The depression side of the mixed is kicking my arse pretty badly. I’m just trying my best to work through it but it did get me big time the other night. 

[AuntGlow]

Ow, this would be so, so painful for you. @Captain24 😣

Have you been able to let your GP know?

I understand what you mean... hmm, I am wondering if there's anything you can do to reduce the intensity of your schedule? You have very valid reasons to be taking a break, so I am wondering what that could look like?

That's okay! You could listen to music that makes you feel good, recite some affirmations that resonate, do some breathwork, or even connect to a situation where you felt lighter/less pressure-filled in the past and allow it to impact how you feel in the present. 

Would you be open to trying something like this? 

I hope that makes a bit more sense. ☺️

[Captain24]

I haven’t seem my GP about it. @AuntGlow. I do have a phone appointment with my gyno next week. I guess I just have to put up with it until then. He did say I would bleed but I don’t feel like this is right. 

I don’t know how to reduce it. I’m suppose to be asleep right now since I didnt get home until after 8 this morning. But I can’t sleep as I have too much on my mind of what I need to do to be ready for my friend. Most of it is general stuff that I always do just need to complete it in a day and a half not several days. 

A break would look like just being able to be. Ideally, being looked after, having some one care, being able to be supported, being fed. Just all I have to do so get out of bed and have no accountability. 

Im exhausted so I am opening to trying anything. I can give it a go. 

[rav3n]

@Captain24 oh gosh, that's going to be an exhausting drive 🙃

oh wow! what a coincidence, i'm glad you both found each other. sometimes it's nice having a gap between seeing each other - i imagine you both have lots to update each other with? do you both update each other quite often via phone?

sucks about the sleep. moving around does sound helpful, but i can see how when you're body's already exhausted, it can be harder to keep up that energy. random question: when you wake up in the morning, are you usually quick to get out of bed (like as soon as you wake up, you're out bed in 5-10 mins) or do you tend to feel super sleepy and take longer? 

[Captain24]

I don’t actually have her phone number! @rav3n. We talk through messenger all the time. We are in constant contact and off load to each other. I’m hospital she loves watching the sunrise. There is a balcony that overlooks the ocean and it’s amazing watching the sun come up. Just before I left last time I surprised her and said she had to meet me at 5am fully dressed warm. She met me outside and I got an uber to go down to the beach and watch the sunrise. I had already gotten us both signed out. She cried. 

I’m exhausted. I didn’t get much sleep after coming off nightshift. But I just have to keep going, everything has to be done. My body and my mind are screaming at me. I need to get a lot done by 3 as I have a psych appointment and if I start being open everything will just come tumbling out and it’s not going to go well. 

When I wake up I get up. Well usually anyway. But sometimes I will feed the dogs and then just get moving and other times I’ll feed them and sit in the lounge for a while. The first option is the best one as I find it works better and is less stressful as I finish everything that I want done quicker and easier. 

[Captain24]

So I just told my psych everything. The way I’m pushing my self so hard, the constant to-do lists, the fact that if I have finished all my lists I start agin. The way I’m feeling. The intrusive thoughts. The numbness. The loss of control. The fact that my mood and my life is all over the place. Everything. 

She wants me in hospital. I can’t afford to go. I don’t have any leave at work. I don’t have anyone to look after my dogs. If I had leave I would go. I need that break. I need a break from being me and from life. Instead I have to try and work through this safely with her support.

The job lists is possibly mania and that’s why I can’t stop. I know I should and need to but the mania is overruling. The fact that I’m out of control is the mixed episode.