I can’t cope

[Captain24]

I have a feeling that they won’t get back to me until at least Monday. @rav3n. The person I need to talk to is away until then. It’s not giving me much time.

Ive cleaned my house today, including dishes and floors. I’ve changed my bed linen and did all my ironing. It’s really cold and miserable here so I’m just sitting watching tv now. 

Tomorrow I have to bath the dogs and I was going to do the sheets for the house sitters. So I think if it’s warmer I might take the dogs for a walk. My GP wanted me to walk them every morning but it’s suppose to be -4 in the morning so there is no way I’m going out in that. So I think I may do some Lego or something. 

Then Thursday will be another clean. Plus food shopping and meal prep. I was going food shopping today but my brother messaged me wanting $500 so I can’t afford food until I get paid. 

[rav3n]

@Captain24 noooo that timing of them being away sucks too!! hmm would maybe making a plan, for incase you don't do the inpatient stay at all, help a lil? and that way, in case you can't/don't want to go, you've got a back up plan in terms of how you'd spend your leave?

woahh that's a lot of cleaning tasks done, so good!! what are you watching on tv? 

lego would be cool, what's the next set you're gonna work on? omg walking in -4!? no thank you! does you dogs have lil jumpers/vests that they wear in winter?

ohh, hope he has a valid reason for needing the $500... does he pay you back?

[Captain24]

I’m thinking of asking mum to look after the dogs for two days and I can go down to where my psych is and have an appointment in person and maybe catch up with some friends. @rav3n. Other than that I don’t know. Mum and I might make a trip to Katoomba for the day and do the scenic railway and stuff. There’s a bush walk she wants to do 

I have plenty to do around the house like lawns and sorting through cupboards especially my walk in.

I also had a shower and washed my hair! I’m watching episodes of home and away that I’ve missed. 

Im currently doing a tiger. So I’ll get that back out as I packed it away when I had my family visit. 

They have coats at mums house. Jett has a parka here but it’s a bit small but I have nothing for Pix. Yes it’s a little bit cold. I haven’t been able to warm up all day and I have the air con cranked. We didn’t make double digits. The highest it got was 8.9 degrees but the feels like has been below 5 all day. 

It’s for his car rego. No.. I’ll never see that money again. But it means I don’t eat for the next few days until I get paid. 

[tyme]

Heya @Captain24 !!!!

How are you battling along???

[Captain24]

Hey @tyme 

How you doing? 

It looks like my hospital stay has been cancelled. 

My brother needed money so I sent it to him and now I don’t have food until I get paid on Thursday. Just shit that’s in the pantry. 

So a pretty tough day. 

But I did do heaps of housework today and now I’m absolutely freezing. It’s so cold. 

[tyme]

Ummm... @Captain24 

I don't want to sound too shocked, but... *&&^#*$(@!!!!

I know how long you've been hanging on for this admission. I'm sorry to hear that this has happened.

So just to clarify, the money you had, was it supposed to go towards the admission? 

Your brother must've been very much in need of money.

I'm sitting with you. Feel free to talk about it as much or as little as you feel comfy. I'm not going to push you.

😪

Other than that, my day was okay. I didn't go to bed until after 3:30am this morning as I stayed up doing work on the computer. I took the kids to the shops today because the eldest wanted to buy slime....

Yesterday, I took them out for lunch, then to the park, the library and then to starbucks.. they were pretty happy.

Besides that, I'm more concerned about you than anything else!

[Captain24]

I know.. it’s a bit disappointing. @tyme. I can go and redo stage 1 but it’s not worth it. It’ll frustrate me and probably make things worse. To many unwell patients to deal with and going backwards. My psych isn’t to sure about going back for it. She doesn’t think it will be helpful. 

I can’t cancel the sick leave I’ve taken cause mum is going away that week. I’m thinking of asking mum to look after the dogs for a couple of nights so I can go down and see my psych in person and maybe catch up with a couple of friends. It’s too expensive to take the dogs. Mum and I want to go to Katoomba for a day and do touristy things as we usually just drive through. It’ll be really cold but there will be no snakes on the bush walk she wants to do. 

He needed to register his car. No it’s not for the admission it was to feed me and get food ready for work. Healthy isn’t an option this week. 

I feel a little used by my brother. He doesn’t talk me unless he wants money. 

Everything feels a bit too much today. I’m feeling pretty down. Pretty worthless. Pretty unwanted. That I’m too much of a bother to be cared for. 

Sounds like a good few days with the kids. You do do a lot with them. Memories that they will have forever. Did you get the slime? 

[tyme]

@Captain24 , things have been slowly improving for you and I can certainly see this has been upsetting. 

Are we able to practice some reframes? In a way, when I read your post, I felt it was 'different' to previous thoughts around challenging events. There seems to be more 'space' to work with the challenges. Please correct me if this is not the case.

Sorry to be daft, but I'm a little confused. Why is the admission cancelled if it's not about money and not about leave? Is it that the hospital is no longer running the program?

Do you have any local food bank services you can go to for food? I'm so sorry to hear you don't have access to a basic human right. In Vic, you can pay rego a month at a time - can your brother do this?

Sitting with you through this difficult time.

And yes, the kids brought their pocket money to get slime. I refuse to pay $20 for slime from Officeworks! I was in a meeting today so they sat at the bottom of my stairs, outside my door, waiting for me to take them to the shops. 

[Bow]

Hey @Captain24  just reading that you might do a trip to katoomba. If ya do, ya must check out Mr Pickwick’s antiques and bookshop and then over the road is an antique shop called memento I think. Both amazing shops and I loved browsing. 

sucks about your admission too

[Captain24]

I was saying to my psych that I’m doing better but I don’t have the ability to take other things on, like I have 2 friends messaging me going through a hard time but I need to look after myself and distance myself a little from them. She described it as my bucket of shit overflowed and I’ve cleaned up the overflow bug the bucket is still full! @tyme. This feels like it’s about to spill over. 

It is different. I feel pretty down but not in a bad place. I’m open to trying. 

They aren't running the course. Originally it was the 11th I called them to confirm and they changed it to the 4th. No communication about the change. Then I ring today to get things organised and it’s not until the 25th of August but that’s not possible for me as I can’t change my leave to then and my house sitters will be overseas. If I didn’t call I wouldn’t have known. I just feel like I don’t matter. 

Oh.. I had an auntie messaging me trying to get me to organise a massive birthday for dad with some of his cousins, some of mine and dad’s siblings. It’s a lot of people. Don’t won’t want it so I said no and that if she wanted to get everyone together to organise it for another time. So she has organised a b’n’b that was their family home. So she wants to keep it a surprise from everyone. So I set a boundary of not allowing it for dad’s birthday. I set a boundary saying I wasn’t helping. Pretty big effort! 

I’ve got stuff in the pantry but it’s not healthy. Like 2 minute noodles and packaged pasta. 

That’s so cute.. sitting and waiting!!  Did the littlest get some too?