I can’t cope

[Captain24]

He is great. He is a minister and been to theological college so he is actually trained in helping. @AuntGlow. Plus he loves me dearly and I’m his favourite niece. Not that it’s hard I’m the only one he knows on this side. 😜 

It’s quite a large dish so I’ll be eating it for days. But at least I’ll have lunches and dinner plus with the roast that I’ve just started, I should eat healthily for the next four days and hopefully enjoy it. 

Food is a massive issue for me. My brain is telling me all sorts of stuff. I’m trying to ignore it. Trying to fight them. I’m hoping by cooking proper nourishing food my body might feel better and my ED brain might follow. 

Im trying to focus on cooking the roast but it’ll just be doing its own thing and doesn’t need much work.  Trying to focus on the nice dinner I’ll have in 2 hours. Trying to put those unsafe thoughts to the back. 

[Captain24]

T/W SI

I am that mess @Jynx. A big pile of poo. :pile_of_poo: 

I guess if it was easy then it wouldn’t be recovery and couldn’t maintain it. I’m hoping that eventually I’ll get through this and will be able to see the strength it took me to get there. 

The biggest feeling…. Not wanting to be alive. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 I wonder what colour your wings will be... 🦋💜

Ach, that is not technically a feeling hun. That's a desire in response to the feelings! But it's a heavy one hey. 

We can do safety planning, distracty chats, or if you need to tap out that's also valid. Where are you at?

[Captain24]

I think shades of green sound really good. @Jynx. 

I guess for feelings then is dark. Hollow. Pain. Despair. Hatred. Alone. 

Safety planning is kinda ok as I’m cooking. After I’m done and have eaten then maybe it’ll be needed. Or maybe I’ll feel a little lighter.

Hows life been treating you? 

[AuntGlow]

Oh, that's perfect! My mum has done a ministry certificate too. I am sure he would be really lovely to speak to. Maybe this BBQ could be an opportunity to connect with him about how you're feeling? @Captain24 

Meal-prepping too, that's amazing! 🤩

I think it will absolutely help with this, but it's okay and normal for that to take time. You will find there are ebbs and flows, and we will be here to ride that wave with you. 🥰

Good on you, I like this safety plan. Do you cook in the oven or a slow cooker? 

[Captain24]

We didn’t end up doing the bbq. But I’ve seen a lot of them over the weekend. @AuntGlow. He has just gone back to work after PTSD so I do need to be careful. 

I usually just buy shit to take to work or cook something simple. Not necessarily healthy. So I’m trying.

Ive also started to take multivitamins. I need to try and help myself it’s really hard and taking a lot outta me. It’s so hard to maintain the momentum. But if I don’t try I’m not going to get anywhere.

It’s in the oven. My house smells so good. I’m hungry though but it’ll be ready in about 2 hours!! 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 PRETTY!! 

I am picturing a luna moth now 😍 

The hollowness is a familiar one. That's a dark spot to be. Wish I could fill your heart up with hope with just a word. But maybe the food will do that hehe - honestly sometimes it can make all the difference in the world, having a full belly. Lemme know how it goes hehe. 

Been treating me ok! Usual health stuff to navigate, trying out a new anti-inflammatory to see if it works on my back pain. Otherwise the usual! Gaming, cats, nature, mischief, chaos hehehe.

[Captain24]

Green is my favourite colour so it would be nice to be reborn pretty since I’m so ugly now @Jynx 

It'll be full of veggies and nutritious food better than just pasta with cheese, pizza or nothing. 

I love your mischief you seem to have so much fun. 

Have you been to a Chiro about your back or physio? Do you just manage with pain killers? 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 maybe you're just not your type? 

Yay for veggies! I struggle to get mine in as well haha. Stir fries are my go to for getting lots of veggies into my day! Maybe that's what I should do for next meal prep! 

Spontaneity is one of the spices of life! When was the last time you were spontaneous? It's a good way to find mischief hehe like you see a random path, and take it... or you hear about a new cafe and go scope it out, or you drive out to some patch of nature you've not seen before... I dunno, but it can do wonders!

Physio yes, chiro no, but that's cos I think I have EDS and worry that my ligaments aren't tough enough for chiro. 

[Captain24]

Nah.. if you saw me you would agree @Jynx. It doesn’t matter what I do I’ll never be pretty just have to focus and think of myself as the butterfly of the time ever comes. 

Im struggling with stir fries. I’m really feeling the need for things like steak and veggies. I might make some rissoles on my days off next block. I make awesome rissoles. Plus they have some veggies in them. 

Im never spontaneous. I just get bored around here. It’s all the same. I guess I need to find something. I was going to have steak and veggies for lunch on Wednesday before I go to sleep but maybe I could take myself out for breakfast instead. That would be different.

Whats EDS? I see a physio if my back goes out. If it goes I usually end up at the hospital cause I can’t walk. But I see the chiropractor monthly. But I don’t have any other issues just slipped discs. 

My dinner is only an hour away. I’m actually looking forward to it. I’ll be eating a decent dinner while watching Masterchef.