I can’t cope

[Captain24]

They are pretty cute @Bow. Flowers are so fiddly! I’m working on a French cafe set at the moment. I’ve got about 40 sets here to build so if I can’t function tomorrow I’ve got plenty to do

[AuntGlow]

I hear you, it's so disheartening when people don't respond... and I know it's hard being the one to follow up. What is within your control right now? @Captain24 

I think messaging here is an example of really wonderful self-care practice, actually. 💛

[Captain24]

None of it is in my control. @AuntGlow. I have to accept that it doesn’t matter what I do for my brother he won’t give a shit. I shouldn’t have to check whether the money went through. He could have sent me a message. He said today it went straight through. He should have at least said thanks then. It was 2 minutes after he messaged me for it. 

The hospital doesn’t really care. I’m just another number. It’s $20000 that they are missing out on. 

I need to realise that I’m nothing to anyone. Once I can accept that maybe I’ll be better off.

I guess I go and make my 2 minute noodles for dinner. 

Sorry. It’s ok not to bother with me. 

[tyme]

Heya @Captain24 ,

How's your day today? 

I've just read the post above and it sounds like your bro is giving you grief?

I hope you find a way to stay 'well' despite these current challenges.

Any reframes you've like to work on?

Here for you anyway.

[Captain24]

I responded to you post last night @tyme 

I slept this morning as it was just so cold. Then all afternoon I’ve done Lego. 

I’ve really let it all get to me. 

I need to reframe the fact that I mean nothing to anyone. 

I am trying. That’s why I’ve had a nothing day and just did Lego.

[tyme]

Hey @Captain24 , I've gone back to read those posts and I'm sorry it feels like you don't mean much to people. I can't say I agree with it, but I recognise this is what you feel right now.

Can we say, "This is what my brain is saying", as opposed to saying "I don't mean anything to anyone"?

I hear that these thoughts can be so so loud sometimes, so I wonder if repeatedly saying, "My brain is saying I don't mean anything to anyone" can put some distance between you and the thought? Worth a try I guess?

And the other method I'm thinking of (which I sorta don't think is really you), is to pick a tune and sing, "I don't mean anything to anyone" to the tune. I know this sounds stupid, but I feel it works in terms of granting you space between you and thought.

And it is in this 'space' that you can find kindness, compassion and help for yourself.

If your brain doesn't tell you this, I just want to say that you mean a lot to us here on the forums community 🙂

Also, I was snacking on turtle chips today and the little one wanted some but hadn't finished her dinner... so each time my sister wasn't looking, I snuck a turtle chip into her mouth... - ssssh! That's secret between the little one and me (an now the forums community). He face was so cute each time I snuck a chip into her mouth. It was like the BIGGEST secret!

In the past past, I remember you saying that you used to be close to your niece. Was it you who made a cake for her? I can 'see' the picture of the cake in my mind, but I'm not sure if it was you. It was a blue homemade cake - mermaid or something?

[Captain24]

I’m trying to tell myself that it’s just the hospital and my brother not everyone @tyme. My friend tried chasing up the hospital today on my behalf so I’m trying to think that I mean something to her. It’s really hard though. 

Nah. That’s not me. My brain isn’t wired that way. I can’t change songs. If that makes sense. I have no musicality.

This is the space but at the same time I’m really struggling with being able to accept it. I do appreciate it though. 

What flavour? That’s so cute. A little secret.. 

Yeah.. we were close but drifted when her mum moved her away. Now she is just like my brother and never contacts us or says thanks for the money that we send. I mean nothing to her either. 

Yeah we made cakes every year from her first birthday to around 12. We made princess, dolphins, dogs, a goat, a my little pony.. heaps. 

[tyme]

Hugs @Captain24 

Does your brother tend to pay you back (only if you feel up to sharing)?

I can see your friend took time to chase up the hospital so I can see she cares. Did you get a response from the hospital? As you said, it's the hospital's loss - can you tell that to your brain at the moment?

And yes, I agree that singing to your thoughts is not really you - but worth a try asking 🙂

The turtle chips are still the sweet corn ones. The packet's not finished. It's the same packet as 2-3 weeks ago. The little one just came over screaming and I calmed her down and asked her what she wanted... "You said my surprise!" This was because earlier today, I said she can come over to get a surprise. I had a talking book to give her. The book was, "I want to SHOUT". Totally matches her personality!

As for your niece, that's what I'm thinking will happen with these kids. I'm already prepared that they will go their own separate ways when they are older. Hence I've already planned to move away as soon as the kids are older. 

What are you plans for tomorrow to get you outta the house?

I'm having brunch with ex-work colleagues tomorrow morning, then I was invited to someone's house, but I may not make it.

Oh, I just saw your lego! They are awesome!

[AuntGlow]

Oh, absolutely! @Captain24 It sounds like he isn't showing his appreciation for you in the ways you need, and you're allowed to be upset by this. 

I know that when a few triggers start to compile, it can confirm our internalised beliefs, but I encourage you to focus on all of the wonderful support you are receiving here tonight from @tyme. Maybe this will help to challenge the parts of you that aren't feeling as loved right now? 

PS: How were your noodles? 😋👀

[Captain24]

Nah he won’t pay it back. @tyme. I don’t get birthday or Christmas presents from him either. 

It is their loss. I didn’t hear back but if it’s cancelled then nothing can be done anyway. I just have to suck it up. It’s more the fact that they didn’t tell me the dates had changed until I rang a couple of weeks ago as it was supposed to to start on the 11th and they changed it to the 4th. Then they didn’t bother telling me that it was cancelled. It’s more about me feeling like I wasn’t worth the effort of contacting. 

I like that she was screaming instead of asking! 😜 It does sound perfect for her! 

I hope that they have more consideration for you than mine does. It hurts and it hurts a lot. Especially since if mum, dad and my brother are gone before me she will get everything of mine. 

Im going to do housework in the morning and bath the dogs. Then I don’t know until my pay comes through late tomorrow afternoon and I can go food shopping. I need food prepped for work on Friday. I may consider walking the dogs. 

Brunch sounds nice. I’m sure it’ll be good to catch up. 

I just did something nice for myself and had a shower and put warm pj’s on. I am trying.