I can’t cope

[Captain24]

I just had my psych appointment. It was really hard. I told her the depths of my depression and my failure in winter. Apparently my normal isn’t actually normal. She probed a bit deeper and when I said I just didn’t have the energy to act in any suicidal thoughts or SH thoughts, she said I sound exhausted. 

She wanted to do chair work but it was too hard. It did unlock some of my deeper thoughts and now I’m scared of them and what else is in there. We are going to try chair work when I see her in person so I have that physical presence of support not over Telehealth. 

I feel very raw and vulnerable and open. My depth of my thoughts is even worse. I wanted to open up to her the more thoughts I had but I was scared to verbalise them. I’m not to try and open that sealed box of feelings though. Not alone. Only with her. 

I’ve been having really weird dreams. I have to write down what I’m thinking and feeling when I have them. We need to understand what more is going on. See what they mean. 

All I want to do is go back to bed but I have things I need to do. Maybe I could do some of them then allow myself to go to bed. 

She said I need to not beat myself up for beating myself up. That made so much sense. 

Im so drained. Im so miserable. I feel like such a failure. I feel like I failed with the chair work but she did say it gave her more of an idea what there is that needs to be worked on. I haven’t been so open to anyone in my life like i have to her. 

Im to focus on my safety plan. Im to go and sit in the sun to help with SAD. It’s not as cold as it has been. At least it has reached 14 degrees so if I rug up it could be bearable. 

I don’t see her for 3 weeks now so I really need to look after myself. I need support with working on that. But 3 weeks feels like a long time. 

[Ru-bee]

Hey @Captain24 

It sounds like that was a pretty intense session and that you were very honest which I'm sure took a lot of strength. I hear that some of the things that came up today were a bit frightening, but I'm glad you've discussed how you're going to manage those, keeping them put away until you're with your psychologist and can pull them out safely.

I like that idea of using bed as a reward today. It's totally understandable that you're drained, I hope that hopping into bed can feel even better once you've done a few of the things that you need to do.

[Captain24]

I changed my sheets but that’s all I did @Ru-bee. I’ve been in bed for a while and don’t intend on getting out. I don’t have the motivation to get up.

Im trying to keep that box locked but things are seeping out and it’s really shameful and really nasty. I wish we hadn’t talked about what’s inside. I have a GP appointment on Monday. Maybe he will give me Tuesday off so I can have another psych appointment. 

I feel like I need to write these thoughts down but I’m scared more will come flowing out. I’m scared of what else is inside. I need to tell someone. My psych said I could see her Thursday but I’m at a training day that I can’t get out of. I think she knew that this would happen. 

Im scared. 

[Ru-bee]

Ooh, fresh sheets are so nice @Captain24 glad you were able to do that for yourself

Yeah, I get that it would be pretty difficult to keep all of those thoughts locked up while you're waiting to see your psych next. Do you think it would feel a little easier if you had less of a wait to see her for your next appointment? I do also understand that urge to get these thoughts out and onto paper, and that can definitely be helpful sometimes, but I do want to support the plan set out by your psych as much as we can.

It's okay to feel scared, we're here with you

[Captain24]

I would like to make an appointment for Thursday but it’d be too hard from my car but then after opening up so many wounds I’d have to go back into the work training day. I think it would do more harm than good. @Ru-bee. 

I really think I need to make that appointment for Tuesday. I’m sure my GP will give me a certificate. 

My concern is what if I lock them back up again. But I do need to do what she has asked. She knows best. The thoughts are really judgemental and down right nasty. The feelings judge my current character. Makes me realise I deserve this life I’m living. I’m scared she will think differently of me. 

What am I going to do. What can I do. I want them to go back into that box and leave them for another day. Maybe when I get home from work on Monday morning I can write stuff down so it’s there ready to go. 

It’s just making a bigger mess of my messed up life. Talking to her today showed me how messed up I am. 

We have decided not to drop my med change for an extra week. I dropped it Sunday but not again for two weeks. I need some sort of break and see if it is the withdrawals that’s making things worse or if it’s me. 

I know this is not recovery focussed but the med reduction kinda is. Apparently I’ll be better off without it. Just have to work through the mess it’s creating. 

[Ru-bee]

I think this is all absolutely recovery focused @Captain24 because while you're talking about how difficult this is, you're also talking about what you might do about it, like trying to get that appointment on Tuesday and waiting until Monday to write these thoughts down (which both sound like some good ideas).

I'm really sorry to hear how nasty these thoughts are, and it's natural to be worried to share them, but from what you've shared it sounds like your psychologist is really competent and skilled at what they do and wouldn't allow things like this to change their perception of you. 

This is a lot of really hard stuff for you to be working through, but it sounds like it's hard because it's important. That doesn't mean that the thoughts and beliefs that are coming up are necessarily important or even true, but maybe acknowledging them and understanding where they come from is.

[Captain24]

Ive emailed her to make that appointment for Tuesday. @Ru-bee 

They are true but it’s not me now. Maybe opening up those wounds will release it power of them. Maybe it’ll help move forward. Maybe it’ll stop me from locking feelings away anymore. 

I just have to get through until Tuesday. 

It’s just really dark right now. It’s been cold today so it’s not helping my mood. My psych really does think it’s SAD. The more I talked about it the more real it became

[Captain24]

I actually do have reminders @AuntGlow. My mirror has positive words on it about me. A nurse in hospital last time I was in started it and people kept adding to it so I stuck the post it’s on my mirror there and put them on my mirror when I got home. I do look at them but it’s hard to believe that’s how people see me. There’s a photo of them in my profile somewhere. 

I don’t know what other than food will make it feel more cosy. After my appointment with my psych it turns out that my normal for winter is not actually normal. 

She was amazing today as always. She was really careful with me. She really wants me to check in on Thursday but I just can’t as I’ll be at a work training day. 

[Ru-bee]

Yeah the weather can have such a big effect on us @Captain24 I know you mentioned earlier trying to get some sunlight when you can which sounds like a good idea.

Glad you made that appointment for Tuesday. Let us know what we can do to support you to get there 💜

[Captain24]

Thanks @Ru-bee.

I want to try for the sunlight tomorrow. I can’t say it doesn’t work if I don’t try it. So I will give it a go. I will do it when I wake up so I start my day right! Maybe things will follow through from there. 

I kinda just need to know someone is in my corner. Someone is there to hold me up until my next appointment.