Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Determined]

It may be as simple as; if I don't pull back to try to recharge myself a bit, I may reach the point where I can't do anything anyway.

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@Smc this is very true, I have been at that point too often to count 😕

It is most important that you look after yourself also. Easier to take a break than recuperate. It is a hard decision to make though I know. 

[Determined]

@Smc this just popped up on another thread that I follow, seemed timely.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Waiting on the image @Determined ..... but thinking of you too @Smc ❤️

[Smc]

Thanks everyone. Looks like you all got active after I'd dropped off for the night. 🙂

Yes, I need some "respite". The first time Daughter went into a clinic I was expecting a rest, but found out that she still needed a lot of emotional support, both over the phone and long-drive-visits, so it didn't turn out to be the case. This time at least I knew not to expect it to be a break. 

Methinks I'll need to phone my Mum and explain to her that I won't be visiting as often. I think she's not sure how to handle Daughter's MI, and I don't tell her all the details, largely because I'm concerned that she will over-react to it. That would just make it harder for all concerned, including Mum. She can get panicky about things sometimes, and make them out in her mind to be worse than they are. I don't like to think about how she'd react to news of Daughter's genuinely dangerous self harming. So the careful balance is telling her enough for her to understand why I can't visit, but not so much that she's distraught about it.

[Faith-and-Hope]

I think that is often the way of it @Smc ..... and one reason I am rattled by the kids seeing psychologists ..... not because they don’t need to, because they do ...... but how much comes out in therapy that was in that “enough to understand but not enough to be distraught” basket hitherto ....., but you have just provided me a key to offer the therapists before opening more of that basket in front of my kids ...... a warning that it is a Pandora’s basket, and there were reasons why the kids didn’t know everything, and that these are the same reasons why mr. f&h can’t be tackled head-on ...... so the more the therapist knows and comes to understand this, the more my kidult is also becoming aware and more distraught .......

Oh, the choices we have to make ...... and then some half-informed person can come along and tell you you’re doing it all wrong and what did you go and do that for ??

Guessing you have been there too ...... more than a little ......

[Smc]

@Faith-and-Hope Hope you can reach an understanding with the kids' psychs.

I've always found it sobering that Centrelink TDR paperwork has a box that the doctor can tick if the contents of the form shouldn't be shown to the applicant due to the information being potentially harmful. Generally, I so much prefer being open and honest, and it's hard knowing that full disclosure, or confrontation with truths, may do more harm than good. We've also got that juggle with Younger Daughter,  not knowing how much detail she should get about her Big Sis. 

Yes, I have been on the receiving end of some unwanted advice. Frequently enough. Had to deal with that with Older Son too, with people who either didn't know about or refused to recognise his learning disorder. Once with Older Daughter we had different people at the same time, one telling us we were being overprotective, the other saying that we weren't being supportive enough. I can only hope that means we were actually striking some kind of balance point?? Have also had a close friend being critical of how long it took for me to get to Mum and Dad's end when their crisis that ended with them in aged care happened. We'd been dealing with an emergency ward situation literally the day before Mum went into hospital.  Said friend is now better informed of our situation, and has since been much more supportive.

And that's another thing that makes cutting back trips to Mum and Dad's end hard. We can't tell everyone the details of what's happening here simply because it would be a betrayal of confidence, but "elder neglect" is a bit of a fraught issue. I've had some awful train trips where Daughter's had some sort of crisis point shortly before I was due to leave, but at the same time haven't felt like I could delay the trip because it may have been the only week for the next month that was more or less available.

[Faith-and-Hope]

@Smc ..... I don’t shy off saying that we have been over-extended (without providing reason) ..... and that I am / we are all struggling with exhaustion.  If anyone enquirers further I cite an intention to go for blood tests shortly to make sure that everything is alright.

Creating a smokescreen for privacy is completely acceptable as far as I am concerned, because younger siblings are part of the mix too ... you have a wide landscape of responsibilities towards the various family members and are doing the best you can .... don’t let others put the guilts on you.

When someone is outright obnoxious about it, and we do get them ...... I am also not adverse to answering with, “You know the worst of it is when people try to make you feel guilty about how you manage your own commitments.  Nobody has that sort of perspective into someone else’s situation, and neither should they really ..... certainly when it’s uninvited.”  

That’s pretty much a conversation stopper ...... and it can be stated without bitterness or malice, just gently stating a fact ......  

[Smc]

OK, today....

We were meant to be picking up our Older Daughter from the Big Smoke psych clinic. She's still pretty shaky, but is desperately missing home, so her psychiatrist concluded that she'd be better off there. She was all packed up and waiting to go, and our car broke down only 40-50 kms into the journey. We had just enough credit on the prepaid phone to ring roadside assistance and then let her know we were stranded, and didn't know if we could get her home that day after all. Which she was understandably somewhat distraught about. 

Walked to a nearby servo and bought some phone credit, phoned her again to try to work out if I could come down by public transport to accompany her home, which would have been really hard. I wouldn't have gotten there until mid afternoon, and the return trip would mean somehow carrying a large amount of luggage. But while I was talikng to her, her (paternal) grandparents walked in, come to visit. Her grandfather offered to take her back to their place for the night, but when it was obvious she really wanted to be home, he offered to drive her back there instead. No small offer, both due to distance, and he's carer for my Hubby's Mum, who has bad osteoporosis. 

Walked back to the car, got there 5 minutes before the towtruck. Our town hasn't got a mechanic's wokshop any more, so we asked for it to be towed to the one in the town our Older Son and Older Daughter live in. Rang Son to ask for a phone number of friends from church who live there, to see if we could get a lift home from them, hadn't had a chance to ask yet when said friends pulled up next to us. They were on their way to our town for a bible study group, and were completely happy to take us home. Wasn't even out of their way... If I'd had to phone them to ask, we would have missed them.

So all of us and our poor beloved little car got to where we needed to be, and the car was the only one that needed us to make the arrangements. We're counting it as a bit of God's provision. Sometimes "coincidences" happen too perfectly to be chance happenings.

On another note- I may not be able to have the complete break from travelling away that I was planning on. My Mum needs to go into hospital for treatment of another lymphedema related infection, and she's likely to be in there for her birthday. I think she'll really need the support of a visit. But one thing today has brought home to me is, while I hate the tangled mess that MI is making of my family's lives, I very much love the family members. I'll do it somehow, and defer that break just a little bit longer.

[Former-Member]

@Smc

According to the riches of His grace ...

[Faith-and-Hope]

Wow ..... @Smc ..... so many blessings rolled into one day .... ❣️