Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Ashrose]

Hi everyone,

Really hoping for some advice - am currently in a horrible predicament.

Hubby is bipolar.  He was diagnosed about 18 months ago, after refusing to get treatment for severe depression for approx 8 years.  He is currently receiving in-hospital treatment, for the 2nd time.  We have been together for 10 years, and we have two young children.

I want to separate from him, I think 😞  Not for lack of love.  My heart breaks for him, he is so unwell and I wish I could have the original man back that I fell in love with.  But the road has been SO long, and I know it is still such a long road ahead to recovery if we ever even reach that point.  I'm am SO tired, so burnt out from the sheer misery he lives; plus I worry about the impact all this unhealthiness is having on our kids.

How do I do it?  How do you spilt from someone who is already in hospital receiving care?  It seems like such a terrible thing to do, goes against all my morals and instinct, yet to allow him to get relatively stable again and then separate is deceiving and going to be equally as distressing for us both.

Yet I can't go on. The thought of him being released and having to accept him back into the family home, fills me with anxiety.

What to do....??????

Thanks.

[Tiggeroo]

@Ashrose there is no shame or guilt at all in your situation at all. Caring for someone with a mental health issue is SO draining. I am still with my partner so I cannot advise you on what to do to separate but I can assure you, I have definitely been there, you need to look after you and your children.

Have you seen a psychologist yourself? I only ask as I struggled for several years before admitting I too needed support and I found having a psych of my own to debrief and talk to was the best thing I ever did.

Perhaps you could even explain to your partner how you are feeling and that you need time. You have said it isn’t for lack of love so potentially there is still hope there, but he has a long road to recovery and stability and he needs to recognise that.

Could you perhaps have a trial separation? as in he stays with friends or family and continues to get treatment, and you can have some space to think and recover? Perhaps during this time you could attend counselling together so you have the opportunity in a safe environment to really explain to him what your life is like for you and the kids, which may motivate him on his treatment journey.

I am sorry I am not more help, hopefully someone with more helpful advice will pop in soon. Just remember YOU are amazing.

xx

Tigs

[Ashrose]

Thanks Tigs

[NikNik]

Hi @Ashrose

What a really tough situation for you to be in.

How are things travelling now?

I think what's really important - regardless of what you decide, is to work with his team on a plan - a plan of how he can maintain his mental health and a plan if things go off track again.

It sounds like you really care for this man and even if you do decide to separate, if you feel comfortable, it would still be helpful for both of you to work with his treating team.

Keep on posting - sometimes just writing it out gives some relief and clarity.

[JCAM]

As a child and previous carer of a parent with a mental illness; I grew up in it and IMO:

Your kids will not hate you if you can explain it to them that you love their father, but its important for everybody's safety and well-being to be looked after in the family, not just his. Yes he has the right to be supported, but so do you. There are services for him. You cannot save everyone and at some point its up to him. The CRM (collaborative recovery model) used by Neami and Cohealth models with consumers highlights Responsibility and ownership of behaviour by the individual are key parts of the recovery journey in mental illness. Not for blaming purposes but recognition of the past, acceptance and growth.

If anything, I wish my mum had been brave to consider implementing a trial separation. But in the end I ended up leaving so he could stay in the family home. It's hard not to feel resentment.

I'd say this: Kids and safety are the most important thing. Kids are vulnerable and innocent and decisions adults make also affect them. Where you go, they also go.

It sounds like you're coming at this from a really genuine place of care and compassion for their father, however I have to advocate IMO kids come first: they are the children, he is the adult. He may be mentally unwell right now, but he is the adult and you sound exhausted and torn trying to keep up with parenting your 2 young kids, the emotional and psychological impact on them and yourself, and also parenting him. You are also worthy of support!

Does a trial separation as @Tigeroo suggested sounds like something you could consider?

Completely up to you and your decision if you still want to do planned visits at the hospital. Always do it with someone present, and trust your gut about if he's stable enough to interact with the children. If not, you have the right to refuse visits till his meds are adjusted.

COPMI has 2 fantastic wellness planning and talking to young kids about mental illness as a family.

Mindfulness and boundaries work really helped me. But I have to keep at it. I'm an adult now and I still get calls from my parents to 'fix' things. Sometimes you have to take a step back and let them fix their own things.

Good luck

[JCAM]

*COPMI books/brochures you can order. And

http://www.abc.net.au/radionational/programs/lifematters/dads-with-depression/4421106

was good to listen to