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Something’s not right

InfiniteStress
Casual Contributor

Am I doing the right thing.

Hi Everyone,

 

Trying to find the right balance of what I should write and not be blocked by the community guidelines and being able to give enough background so there is some level of understanding of where I am at so hopefully this works.

 

I slept in my car last night after being kicked out of my house by my wife. When this has happened in the past I've stayed nearby and waited for her to want/need something of me so I can get back to her. I am pathetic. She has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, is suicidal and blames me for all of it. I love her and want her to be OK and her whole life people have given up on her and used her, but she is in her core a good and caring person, especially with everone else. I don't want to give up on her, as I've suspected she does this (for about 15 months in 20/21 this happened weekly) to make me hate her so she has permission to follow through on her thoughts. I can't hate her. I can't give up on her.  I understand it is her illness causing her to do this but it is hard. I can't blame her for her brain chemistry and her actions due to it. I wouldn't blame a person with a broken leg because they couldn't run.

I spent last night freezing in my car at 10 degrees beause I had to leave immediately due to not accomplishing a task with rules she had set but did not communicate, making it impossible for me to accomplish, and if I did not leave she would and she would end it all. I want to be there for her and our kids, but maybe I am the problem. Maybe if I do leave for good she will be happier and the kids better off. I don't know. 

 

I'm still in my work clothes from yesteday so I could just have a wipe down and go to the office and hopefully not destroy a 3rd job because of this, but I can't shake that I should be nearby so she doesn't think I'm valuing my job over her or us. 

 

I am pathetic. I know. 

12 REPLIES 12

Re: Am I doing the right thing.

Hey there @InfiniteStress,

I'm one of the peer workers here at SANE and firstly, I wanted to send you a warm welcome to the forums Smiley Happy It's a great community, and I hope you find all the support here that you're looking for. It sounds like you have a lot going on right now so it might be tricky to find the time to familiarise yourself with the forum guidelines, if you have any questions please don't hesitate to reach out and ask.

It sounds like you are going through a particularly trying time and I wanted to ask whether you had any of your own supports in place? Do you have any professional supports that you reach out to, services you can contact or friends to lean on?

You mention that you feel pathetic, but when reading your post, here is what I see...someone who is supportive and caring for their partner who has a complex mental health issue, someone who is employed (3 jobs!), someone who is emotionally connected and can reach out when times are tough, and perhaps most importantly, a parent. These are not the hallmarks of someone is who "pathetic".

I know that a moderator has reached out via email to ensure you are safe, but I wanted to jump in to check in as well.

I'm going to tag a few of our community guides here who might be around today, or the next few days, to welcome you too @AussieRecharger @Flying_Hams @outlander @HenryX @Snowie @wellwellwellnez 

Rhye 🌞

 

Re: Am I doing the right thing.

Hi Rhye,

 

Thank you for taking the time to read and respond. I'm safe and currently at my office working, luckily/unluckily I can compartmentalise things to a degree. I don't know what will happen when I finish work though. 

 

I don't have friends I can turn to and my family lives in another city so its just me. I've been trying to get into phone counselling for support as I feel by getting local help that will make matters worse as we live in a smaller community and word does travel unfortunately. But as yet I'm not able to get in anywhere, which is why I'm trying on here as a way to start.

 

I feel pathetic because on paper, I don't know why I'm trying so hard. I don't know why I go to the lengths I go to for someone who wishes I wasn't here and calls me such horrible names and belittles everything I do, who has thrown my stuff out, broken my possesions. But off paper, when you take her mental health into account and that she is a good person and I'm not an easy person to deal with, I am constantly forgetful, I trip over my words often, I do things in a manner that do not make sense to her and cause problems, I just can't seem to do anything right so of course I'm a major cause of her distress and triggers, and her past and how people have used and given up on her all her life, I see someone who needs me to be with them no matter what. But is that just me creating self worth for myself? I am starting to think so.

 

She has blocked me on all communcation platforms and unblocks my number to text me how good her day is going without me and how much fun she and our kids are having, which is great, I'm glad they are enjoying their time together, but I get nothing when I ask what is causing this and what is going on that is making this happen. Nothing makes sense to me and I hate it. I hate being kicked out of our house on the ultimatum that either I go or she will harm herself. I was just cleaning up, after putting our kids to bed while she rested. I feel like this isn't real but at the same time it is.

 

I'm just going to have to do what I normally do, be civil, don't lower to her attacks, don't attack back, try to reconcile. 

 

 

Re: Am I doing the right thing.

Hello @InfiniteStress and @Rhye 

 

The information that I offer is from my own experience or my knowledge of the experiences of others in similar situations. It is offered as suggestions and should not be taken as professional advice.

 

@InfiniteStress , it sounds like the situation has been this difficult for sometime. Because you are sleeping in your car, I imagine that is because you want to stay close by or you have not any other resources or places that you may be able to stay. It may also be a combination of both.

 

Since the issues have been evident for some time, I'd suggest that your primary concern might be to set up some arrangements whereby you can look after yourself. Unfortunately, you are not going to be able to assist your wife and children, if you are in a very difficult situation yourself.

 

Ways that you may be able to ensure your own safety and capacity to respond to any situation is to look at essentials; a bed (accommodation), clothing, food and access to sufficient funds to cover the longest period of time that you may anticipate having to be separate and independent on a temporary basis. This will mean that you can maintain some stability in your capacity to maintain your employment, which amounts to valuing your work for the benefit of the family rather than over her and the children. I believe that you are also likely to benefit from some mental activity that is going to give you a chance to rest and recuperate during such times and events. It seems to me that the strain of your situation and circumstances must be causing you considerable discomfort, distraction, uncertainty and a severe sense of insecurity.

 

You have stated your desire to "be there" and you have raised the question, of doubts in your own mind, about your position in the relationship with your wife and children in the following statement with its implied question:

"I want to be there for her and our kids, but maybe I am the problem. Maybe if I do leave for good she will be happier and the kids better off. I don't know."

I would suggest that you seek the support of a doctor, possibly with a long consultation. During that consultation, I would recommend that a 'medical care plan' be prepared. It would be beneficial, I believe, to have included a referral to a psychologist included in the care plan. An appointment with a psychologist will be for you to discuss your position, positive attributes, fears and concerns. It should not, I believe, be considered and opportunity for self recrimination. In this way, hopefully, you will be able to discuss and address some of the concerns that you have, about yourself and your situation in as much as it has effects on you. I think that the first steps of bed (accommodation), clothing, food and funds, are supportive to and of equal importance to the support of a counsellor for your own personal guidance and assistance.

 

In these ways I hope that you will be able to establish supports and a support network to assist you in negotiating a very difficult situation.

 

I do hope that what I have offered may be of use and assistance to you

 

With My Very Best Wishes

@HenryX 

Re: Am I doing the right thing.

Hmmmm. Well a reconciliation approach, either way, seems like the way to go. It's a shame humans live in such small communities these days. Puts a lot of stress on all the community units (families) out there.

 

There's a few things going regading who to reach out to.

One consideration might be mensline, 1300 78 99 78

https://mensline.org.au/

They have a lot of of relationship focus these days. Other things to.

 

I actually tried them recently. Good counselling style. They did call time on mid-way though. Not sure how long I went on for or how busy they were. If you use them, you might want to learn from experience use the time stategically.

Re: Am I doing the right thing.

Hi HenryX,

 

Thank you for the response and you are right, I can't be there fuly if I'm not able to look after myself. Unfortunately I don't get paid until later tonight, and being a single income household I rarely have any money left over after payday. This has happened in the past and I've started to apply for rentals, got approved, was about to sign and pay the bond when I was allowed back in. Its the constant unknowing of if I am going to be able to access my house or not that is a major toll.

 

I've made an appointment with my GP to start the process, so hopefully I can get some guidance and at least have myself looked after, thank you for your advice.

Re: Am I doing the right thing.

I've seen the mensline website, and will keep them in mind. 

I've had my wife to turn to during tough times for the last 18 years, but when she cuts off all communcation I am left hanging. Its my own fault, I'm not a good friend, I forget things, my interests are specific and I'm not good socially. We reap what we sow I guess.

 

Thank you for your advice.

Re: Am I doing the right thing.

Hey there @InfiniteStress, you're most welcome Smiley Happy I'm pleased to hear that you are safe and that it sounds like you're able to balance your work with this increased level of stress. Do you have a plan for what you might do after work?

It can be tough when you're caring for a loved one and you don't have any support in place for yourself, which is why it's great you've found your way to this forum. In terms of counselling support, SANE offers a free counselling service for people affected by complex mental health issues, but also for family members who would like to chat about their concerns.

If that sounds like something that might be of help, you can reach out 10am to 10pm Monday to Friday AEST/AEDT on: 1800 187 263

What you're describing when it comes to your partner sounds very difficult, and relationships can be complex at the best of times, but I personally feel it's important to have your own boundaries because you can't pour from an empty cup.

You've mentioned you feel pathetic a few times in this thread, and that you feel that you're forgetful, and trip over your words etc, but given what you're going through and what you've described I believe that makes total sense and is not an indication of who you are as a person, rather that it's likely an indication of the stress you're experiencing. 

You mention that your children are currently in your partners care – given what you've outlined, I'm wondering if you suspect your partners behaviour may impact the children in any way, and whether you feel they're currently safe?

Rhye

Re: Am I doing the right thing.

Thank you for the information on the SANE service, I think I will give them a call. 

 

Our kids are with her and in her care, I have no concern on her ability to provide for them and to keep them safe.

 

I do think the behaviour of screaming and throwing things at me and kicking me out of the house and being verbally abusive in front of them is impacting them negatively but if I am not there, that won't happen.

 

My concern would be for her, as I do the bulk of the house stuff, bedtime/breakfast/bathtime routines, she will need to do those which will impact her physically and lead her to either hurting herself by not resting, needing to prove she can do it all, which will flow onto her mental health.

Re: Am I doing the right thing.

@InfiniteStress 

 

That sounds complicated. I want to give you advice but I don't feel it is my place. You sound like you are copping the expressions of a problem you did not create.  I feel for you, and you are going to need to address this in baby steps. 

 

What's the payoff for this behaviour, when you end up in the car, you are sacrificing for the relationship but as you said it is potentially damaging for the kids, and I feel it is damaging on you.  So I wonder, as you know your partner the best, what do you feel she would accept as an expectation here to help her to correct this behaviour.  You have mentioned this is a pattern of behaviour, does she want to break it, and if she does not, are you willing to let the behaviour continue when it is negative and not going to change?  

 

 

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