@Former-Member @greenpea @WinterSun @Anastasia @Smc @Maggie
Maybe I just make too much fuss. I can't contact any of those places because they will either tell me I need to leave, or wonder why I am wasting their time.
Firstly, to be clear, he has shoved me once or twice, but never struck me and I don't believe I am in any physical danger.
I have tried boundaries, gentle ones, harsh ones, subtle ones, ones his psychiatrist has suggested to him herself for me, ones he doesn't know about, ones he agrees to when he is ok that fly out the window as soon as the illness takes over. If say "remember we said" he will come back with "yes but I'm not out of control, this is justified" I've thought about secretly recording some of the conversations. Not the ugly ones, the good ones, so that shouty man can hear himself say he loves me and wants to change.
Conversely, he has some very definite boundaries that I would never cross out of love and respect.
He sees the phsychologist today and I emailed her yesterday. I often email his doctors, (he knows this) and we all agree they won't reply but have told me it helps to get updates from another's perspective. Himself won't keep a mood diary so I keep one for him. I might go to his next appointment with him.
Counsellors, crisis lines etc all tell me what you guys tell me. His behaviour is unacceptable. However, the situation is so complex and perhaps I simply over react to what he says. I should let it run off me more easily. This year has been hard for everyone. He moved in with me due to Covid and never left again and has had a very, very bad year for setbacks and anxiety. Because it has been almost relentless, since about May, my resilience is way down, hence I'm always on here whinging about it.
It is not just me he does it to. Another reason why it doesn't really qualify as DV. He thinks he’s speaking normally, tells me he was merely being assertive yet people in the doctor’s waiting room are calling security and call centre operators regularly hang up in tears.
Wintersun asks “Why do you think it’s okay to live like this ?” and the short answer is I’ve made my bed. I let myself be dragged down into this situation against the better judgement of both our families, so here I am. No, it’s not fair, but it is what it is. Perhaps a better question is “why are you complaining if you won’t do anything to change it?” and for that I have no answer.
You say I’m conditioned to his behaviour, but obviously not conditioned enough if I still let it affect me so. It is coercive control, but it is subliminal I think. I don’t think he realizes how controlling he his, and his level of control is different to the archetype abuser. He doesn’t prevent me doing anything I want to do, or buy, or wear. I have stopped going out or seeing family or friends because I’m just too exhausted, not because he won’t let me.
He controls me by moving the goal posts all the time. I am obedient and compliant by nature, I feel safe when I know what the rules are. He keeps changing the rules. What is ok, or even immaterial one day becomes a catalyst the next. I can’t keep up. This dynamic is a reflection of the chaos in his brain. He feels so much of his world, and the wider world, is spiraling out of control that he controls the only thing he can; me.
It’s also not always me he is angry with but the anger is ever-present. In the last 365 days he has not lost his temper in my presence (remember I work 40 hours a week) on only 121 days. That means that he loses his temper at some point during the day for 68% of the year. WOW.
He get’s angry when he can’t find something, or drops something or forgets something and then he’s angry with himself. He get's very very frustrated if something doesn't go right the first time. He gets angry with politicians, statutory authorities, utility providers, other people he has known for years, people he doesn’t know (like bad drivers), members of his family, his kids, his ex-wife and her family. I can often see the other side of an argument but have learnt not to point out others’ perspectives or he will then turn on me for my lack of support.
It is my failing that I find the omniscient anger just as distressing even if I’m not the cause or the target. I need to harden up, I know. I have always hated unpleasantness, and it takes me much longer to recover from one of his episodes than it does him. Again that is not his fault.
He does his best. How can I punish him for that?
As far as Christmas goes, he is so angry with his sister at the moment that his plan is for me to drive them all 3 hours down, eat lunch and drive 3 hours home again. Sounds like a plan to me 🙂
