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SJT63
Senior Contributor

To Christmas or not to Christmas?

Those of you who "know" me know that, like many others, Mr S and I have had a very bad year.

 

@greenpea @Powderfinger @Shaz51 @HoneyOne @WinstonOBoogie @Maggie @Former-Member @FindingStrength @Smc 

 

I have to confess that I don't "get" the way some people mark the anniversaries of bad things for decades afterwards. I was widowed and the "year of firsts" was almost unbearable. This year, Mr S has just marked 35 years since he broke up with Kathryn, 2 girlfriends and a wife ago. He marked it by taking it out on me for three days.

 

To Christmas or not to Christmas, that is the question.

Whether ‘til nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of his phone not working, or the room being too hot, or the fan being too cold, or the dinner being too late, or running out of chocolate to eat during the night, or the water too warm, or his step-father too old, or his sister too selfish, or the birds too loud, or me too tired, or the coffee not the same, …. Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera

Christmas 2018

I had known him 6 months. It was an unmitigated disaster but there had been a terrible catastrophe in October that sparked a very bad 3 month long episode which I nursed him through. A week after Christmas was my birthday and for my birthday I received 6 tearful telephone conversations.

That’s ok, it was a one off…. right?

November 2019 His Birthday. We go again and he is fine during the day, taking out all his anger and frustration out on me during the night. When we are there he has no patience or resilience whatsoever. I decided I wouldn’t go back after a major tantrum because someone ate the last piece of cake in the fridge.

Christmas 2019 and because I am weak, and soft, and so, so forgiving I do down for Christmas where again he is Mr Bon Vivant during the day and I become the whipping boy at night. I become exhausted and snappy. I wonder what on earth his family think of this woman who can hardly keep her eyes open at their gatherings. Much later I find out they know, they can hear him, they are worried for me. We go back to my place afterwards that year and he goes straight to bed for a week. No food, no bathing, no meds.

My Birthday 2020 and I think an extract from my journal says it all.

Happy f…….g birthday - losing it with me all the time while I pretend on the phone to all and sundry everything's fine. Everything I say is being twisted and used against me while I attend to his every whim at the sound of the bell - I just want to run away.  4 days with little food and no meds - this morning I am a sanctimonious b…h who has always made the entire relationship about me and my needs alone.

His Birthday 2020 and he already had it in for his sister because they had mum’s 80th the day before her actual birthday. Borders were shut, we couldn’t go, but three months later he is still seething about it. I've no idea why, mum had a lovely day.

Basically, same old same old. The sister made me promise that he would behave himself this time after he’d been so awful on the phone and because Mr S had been reasonable for several weeks I thought we’d be fine. He was fine until we got out of the car.

Something about being there, with the sister, sets him off. I don’t know what but I do know he takes it out on me. I cannot fix their internet or control the weather or help it if he’s forgotten socks (I don’t pack for him, he’s a grown man)(should I?). I cannot stop him tripping over the front step or his coffee going cold… these are the trivialities he loses his temper about.

It doesn’t start out as being angry with me but morphs that way if I can’t think of a response he feels is adequate, or quick enough or heaven forbid I look angry, bored, distressed or pay anything but rapt attention to the garbage he is spouting.

So four weeks ago his sister emailed me to tell me that we were no longer welcome there.

Then she said the boys and I were welcome but not her brother.

She has since relented but has said she will not sit idle while he abuses me any longer. I am now not only terrified of what he will do and say to me while we’re there, but the consequences of her interfering.

 

I am also too scared to tell him I don’t want to go.

 

I am a mess. I can’t work and I’m in constant pain from holding so much tension in my body that I just can’t shake. My neck keeps locking in position and I have an ice pick in my temples.

When I try to discuss my feelings he derails me in one of two ways; threatening self harm or saying that everyone always blames him for everything.

How do I get out of this trip without ruining our relationship and without him resorting to his usual unproductive self-flagellation?

19 REPLIES 19

Re: To Christmas or not to Christmas?

Thank you for sharing your experiences so openly with the community @SJT63. It sounds like you have been through so much and it takes a pretty strong and resilient person to push through. I just wanted to drop a few support lines in case you would like to chat with someone one to one about your situation. Take good care Smiley Happy

 

·         1800RESPECT: 1800 737 732

·         Womensline: 1800 811 811

·         Safe Steps: 1800 015 188

·         For information and a list of support by state, visit ReachOut

Re: To Christmas or not to Christmas?

@SJT63  Oh dear, that is a lot of :pile_of_poo::pile_of_poo::pile_of_poo: you are putting up with.

 

I’m not one bit surprised you are feeling as you are. I think it might be wise to find a counsellor, unless you already have one. Trying to go this alone is impossible. He is very abusive towards you, that’s not ok.

 

I hope you can find support, you so very much deserve it.

 

You sound so loving and caring. Take care of yourself. 💙💙💙

Re: To Christmas or not to Christmas?

@SJT63, this is a really serious history of abuse, and I think you'd agree that all indicators suggest it will be ongoing.

This is a horribly hard thing to say, but has it reached a point where the safety of yourself and your sons is the most important consideration? I've had friends who have had to swallow that conclusion, even though they have still loved their partner. It's important that you be able to set safe limits in a relationship, both for yourself, and for your children. Children who grow up witnessing abuse are at risk of either getting into abusive friendships and relationships later in life, or becoming the abuser. Even if they are not being physically harmed, your sons minds are at risk. And what he is doing, even if it comes out of his MI, is abuse. It might not leave visible marks, but your own body is telling you how much you are being hurt.

Sorry, I'm breaking open the really hard questions here. I can tell you that my friends who have had to leave for their own safety have been better for it. I can also tell you that their decisions were not easy, or taken at all lightly. As to your Mr's safety, that cannot rest on your head. I know the conclusion I've had to reach with my self harming (and worse) daughter is that we can only do so much, but in the end, her life, for better or worse, is in her own hands.

Re: To Christmas or not to Christmas?

That sounds really tough @SJT63 and I'm sorry it's something you're having to go through and try to navigate. It doesn't sound like there's an easy answer and a lot of things making it all the more complex a situation to figure out. Wishing you the strength and courage in navigating this rough and rocky road and to do whatever will be right for you. 💗 

Re: To Christmas or not to Christmas?

@Smc they are his children, not mine.. .now 15 and 17 so not babies. The damage was done before I met them. My children are adults and live overseas and I never dreamt I'd be caring for teenagers and doing high school homework again.

 

We have them about 50% of the time. All three are on the autism spectrum. The boys find it much easier now I'm around to help as a buffer when dad loses it, but it's never fun, and once I took them back to mum's to escape him and have never been forgiven.

 

I can't leave, it's my house. He hasn't been "home" to his place since the first lockdown in March. All his stuff is now at mine... his gardening and his model aeroplanes... perhaps I could move into his, but it's a long way from where I work.

 

I just called him to see I'd been forgiven for my transgressions before work today, but I haven't so I'm still in turmoil. I have had enough, I know, but I don't see a way out of this. It isn't his fault so how can I take it out on him? 

Re: To Christmas or not to Christmas?

@SJT63, it's not "taking it out on him", but he will probably interpret it that way.

One option would possibly be a restraining order, and shipping his things back to his home, but yeah, that would be hard on all sorts of levels. Another might be secretly collecting up your most precious things to safely store elsewhere, then get yourself and the boys to somewhere safe. One of my friends who had to leave had gradually moved some essentials into the garage on the pretext of cleaning up and making room in the house, so that she could leave with their girls as soon as she had a safe opportunity. And with her husband, the root of the problems was serious MI too.

I think you really need to contact the helplines that @Jupiter has suggested. I'm not suggesting any of this lightly, but in the "status quo" situation, you are in danger.

Re: To Christmas or not to Christmas?

Gosh @SJT63 

I don't have the right words right now but please stay safe!!!

I think @Smc  has good advice hun x

Re: To Christmas or not to Christmas?

@SJT63 please think of yourself.

@Smc your advice and wisdom is enlightening and you are so correct that we are not responsible for the actions of those we care for.

@SJT63 As hard as it is having him move back to his own home it may be the only way he gets some insight and perspective that how he treats you is not ok. May seem like a punishment to him but often changes in behaviour don’t occur until the person is placed in an uncomfortable situation.

You seem to have become conditioned to his behaviour and having his family concerned about your treatment should be warning bells. You have a home and job that gives you security. Please don’t think like many others that the treatment you receive is justified - it is not ! 

Have you spoken to a counsellor about the situation ? Why do you think it’s okay to live like this ?

Those who suffer mental illness still need boundaries around their behaviour and if broken in a way that harms another interventional treatment.

There is a very fine line between loving care and dv.

Re: To Christmas or not to Christmas?

@SJT63  Hey SJT63 my father was a 'street angel home devil'.... I can really appreciate what you are going through. Do you really want the relationship to continue? when you know deep down nothing will change .... I will just tell you about my father, He was a out of control alcoholic, aggressive both verbally and physically. My mother stayed with him even though it destroyed us kids.  When he died it was a out of jail free card. My mother was so happy (it has been 21 years since he died).Dont leave it as long as my mum.xxx

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