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Troy
Casual Contributor

Paulatim "little by little"

I joined this site yesterday and then I deleted my account, so second times a charm.

I think I should start with my own story as a lead in to my situation. I was military for many years as a medic and I was on a number of humanitarian operations. I left the service about 15 years ago and everything was fine then I came across a significant car accident involving a young family it seemed to trigger all the pent up trauma I witnessed and dealt with in the army specifically small children. I think having children of my own around the same age as the victims in the crash tipped the scales and for a few months I was in a difficult place. I have a specific memory that took centre stage in my mind that to be honest before the crash I had forgotten about. A young girl had chosen to end her life and was dying and without going into details of her personal circumstances because it’s truly heart breaking I sat with her until she passed I remember talking softly to her looking at her and then she was gone. I guess I have my demons but they are buried now, for me I had to shut and lock the door to that part of my mind because I couldn’t cope with my past anymore.

My marriage broke down within my coping process and I have an amicable relationship with my ex and shared custody with my children. I spend some time getting myself right and then I met my now Wife and this is what the post is about.

My wife suffers from schizophrenia, she has endured a lot in her life, perhaps more than any person was meant too. I knew this when we met, there were no secrets and our relationship was built on honesty and trust. She is on a medication and it seems to fix a number of issues however she has BPD symptoms. She struggles with jealousy and a severe fear of rejection. I didn’t really know just how challenging this would be. She has systematically ripped to shreds every approach I have taken to her episodes. Whilst there hasn’t been hospitalisation or medical intervention, the times she has left me and the fights that flare up from no apparent cause are very difficult to manage. Sometimes she will instigate a conflict three and four times in one day. The extreme anger she experiences during these times I cannot really control or manage.

I’m not the perfect person, I have flaws as we all do however I consider myself a good husband, attentive, affectionate and I don’t harbor any doubts about my love or my commitment to my marriage. I guess I am here to share my experiences and thoughts and hopefully gain a better insight into my situation.

I am a very logical person and when I can’t use reason or logic to solve an issue it frustrates me. My wife will agree with a strategy whilst she is having a good day however she becomes completely illogical and irrational once an episode starts. I have explained the areas I do not cope well with many times and she agrees and is sympathetic however once an episode starts these facts become ammunition for her to attack me with.

My wife’s episodes start with what she considers is a question however it’s a straight out accusation. It could be over anything however the theme is always broken trust, betrayal or cheating. This is the start of an episode and it follows a repetitious pattern and is accompanied by a number of symptoms, she avoids eye contact, next is the accusations of cheating or abandonment of love she will cite anything she can drag up to support this, sometimes taking trying to accuse me of cheating on her before I met her or jealousy over a stranger a from months ago. It always escalates to extreme anger so much her ring fingers involuntarily curls and her iris shakes slightly. She is genuinely stressed and it’s so strong I can almost taste it. After that she threatens to leave or will take something out of context to say I’m leaving her and she is packing her bags.

We have been married a year and together about 3 years I think she has left me perhaps 50 times. Each time it’s mostly just to the car (she packs it), sometimes it’s a few hours (she drives away) and twice it was overnight.

When the episode concludes its always sudden I think I have a catch phrase that seems to work but I don’t overuse it. I tend to say “are we good?” so far it allows an escape from the episode if it’s nearly concluded. I don’t use it when she is very in her own words “heated” because it’s reserved for when I need it. If we are not good she will say so calmly. It seems the phrase has a measure of respect that’s why I am protective of its use.

When she is not having an episode she is amazing and these are the happiest times, she is hypervigilant, for instance I told her I am joining this forum and she is concerned I will meet someone here and leave her.

 

This is my situation, I would appreciate your thoughts and feeling.

6 REPLIES 6

Re: Paulatim "little by little"

Hello @Troy You have a lot of experience, trauma, and seem to be doing the right thing.  I can understand your sensitivity to her intensities in using your "lets connect again and move on" phrase.  I dont doubt the level of stress she feels. My question would be "is she doing work on herself?"   Or any chance of a DBT course ... 

I was married to a man with Sz who would attack and assume that his thoughts were truth even if they related to things in his past and had little to do with me or my family.  The marriage lasted 16 years but was always difficult.  Yet we both learned and gained some things from it.

Possession, fear of abandonment, loyalty and sexual jealousy are all difficult issues.

Take care

 

 

 

Re: Paulatim "little by little"

Hi Appleblossom,

 

Thank you for the kind insights, honestly I don’t think I am doing enough I drop the ball more than not with my engagement often feeding into her episodes. Sometimes even though I know its counterproductive I get drawn into the arguments even though I know it’s not helping. My wife and I have a couple of barriers to seeking treatment beyond what we already are, all things considered I expect this to change in the next couple of months where we can then look for some other treatment options.

So for the moment we are trying to keep communication as the most valuable tool. The areas that I focus on is consistency and routine in our daily activities. My wife has a full time job and that has certainly made a positive impact. However her episodes can and have at times interfered with her employment. So I guess her focus is on recognising when she is having issues and reducing the destructive behaviours and minimising the impact on her work and out home lives.

Together we are trying to identify areas that we can improve the episodes and that has been helpful for about 70% of the episodes. Sometimes it escalates beyond her ability to see reason so quickly that we are left picking up the pieces.

To be honest I feel sometimes I’m floundering in the dark, this is definitely learn as you go situation for me with a very steep learning curve. I would like to think it would get easier however I now know that I cannot fix this and I need to amend my thinking to looking for improvements rather than a solution I guess that’s why I called this post Little by little.

 

Kind regards

Re: Paulatim "little by little"

Hello @Troy

Welcome to the forums, it is nice to meet you

It sounds like you have experienced some incredibly difficult things and have some really helpful ways of coping that are flexible and you are open to support which is certainly not easy so well done.

It does seem like your wife experiences some really big emotions and extreme fear of abandonment which are symptoms of her BPD and the paranoia sounds like maybe it is a symptom of her schizophrenia dianosis. All of those together on top of how already difficult relationships can be and your own things is a lot to be trying to manage.

When people who experience such big emotions are triggered, there are some tips you can try to implement that allow them to find ways of self soothing and gaining more control, usually this is done with the support of a psychologist but you can certainly do some reading on the Australian BPD Foundation website:

Australian BPD Foundation
 http://bpdfoundation.org.au/

Support Promote Advocate for Borderline Personality Disorder

A group of volunteer consumers, carers and clinicians passionate in encouraging a positive culture around Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and promoting the ready availability and accessibility of appropriate services for everyone impacted by BPD. Website include:

  • What is BPD
  • Treatments (Guidelines for the Treatment of BPD, Psychological Therapies, Factors for Effective Treatment, How to access treatment, Role of Medication)
  • Resources (Emergency help, Support, Books)
    Sponsors: Partners in Recovery, Mind, Mental Health Australia, Aust Dept of Health

It might be worth reading through the tips section of what to do in a crisis, although it is maybe not a risky crisis it still an overwhelming emotional time for you both so having some practical tips can help you both work out what you can do in that state.

I am not sure if you have already, but you might like to Introduce Yourself here as a way of getting to know other members.

I look forward to getting to know you better

Lunar

Re: Paulatim "little by little"

Thank you Lunar

 

I will dive into those resources tonight, it took me a long time to get past my stubborn belief that I can fix my relationship on my own. I don’t feel alone in this challenge anymore and that is worth more than gold to me.

 

Kind regards

Re: Paulatim "little by little"

Hello @Troy

checking to see how you are going

Re: Paulatim "little by little"

Hi @Troy 

Just dropping past to see how you’re going.  Hoping you found the resources @Lunar posted helpful.

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