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Susan1
New Contributor

How do you make good boundaries with a child with mental health issues while still showing them love?

How do you do this?? If I show compassion I'm taken advantage of. If I call a behaviour as being out of line there's an angry outburst and denial and violent accusations and distortions of facts. I want to have a relationship with my child (15) but to do this it's like a constant and exhausting roller coaster. She wants me to only be available to her and her sister (diagnosis of borderline personality disorder) and not only won't accept my partner but has actively and unrelentingly tried to sabotage our relationship. She's lied to family, friends and an incompetent psychologist who appeared not to believe a word I said but instead took my daughters word as gospel. How do I build a relationship that is healthy and withstand my daughters agendas and manipulation. I'm anxious every time I talk to them...exhausted and burnt out from raising them...but want them in my life in a healthy way. Is this possible? I feel I'm tolerating lies if I pretend there's nothing hurtful or wrong in both girls behaviour...but there's an absolute refusal to own any wrongdoing...and there's been some intense wrongdoing. Any ideas please!!!

15 REPLIES 15

Re: How do you make good boundaries with a child with mental health issues while still showing them love?

Hello @Susan1,

That sounds very frustrating, tiring and exhausting you seem to be really burnt out from caring for them and putting in place these boundaries which can be very challenging.

Have you tried certain things in the past that have helped your child settle, sometimes making a note of times when they do react in a positive way its important to note that and try out these techniques more.

Also, perhaps because you are feeling overhwlmed and burnt out you may be reactive when putting in place these boundaries. It's more helpful to remain calm and firm not emotional and angry when setting boundaries, have you been able to get some support for yourself so you are more calm?

It might just be that self-care and support for yourself it of top priority right now, do you feel as though this is lacking at the moment?

Lunar

Re: How do you make good boundaries with a child with mental health issues while still showing them love?

I have struggled with similar issues.  There is no easy answer @Susan1.  If your life is anything like mine it would not have been better if there had not been a separation, so dont beat yourself up about that.

I went solo, to avoid that kind of thing, whichhas a limiting aspect as children dont see their mum in a loving relationship with a man.

The best I can suggest, is to expressly commit to a real and honest love for her, but workout a few simple areas that are no-go areas.

For me it started with reclaiming back my use of different areas of the house, for my use personal use, not merely as a household worker.  I had allowed it to get out of hand but also was limited by my health and support resources. It was nobody's "fault", but the old "give an inch thay take a mile" often applies.

Choose no more than 3-4 areas to focus on. Try not to get drawn into flip flop scenarios. Protect yourself.

 

 

 

Re: How do you make good boundaries with a child with mental health issues while still showing them love?

Hi @Susan1
I have the same issues as you but this is with my 60yr mother. I can distance myself from her now I dont live at home. Havent since I ran from her at 17, as she was very violent with me. For what appears to have been no other reason but to have grown up. I now have adult children she attempts her manipulation with them and she knows it will get my attention if she upsets my children. I also get my dad ringing begging us to please apologize for what ever slight it is she has told him we have comitted. She even gives him a monologue. I have 2 sisters and a brother and one sister has cut the whole family off due to her being effected by mums behavior. She has actually been diagnosed with her own mental health issues.
My point I guess is please keep trying to get your girls some help. It is terrible for them to have children of their own and this behavior if left untreated be allowed to torment innocent children. I have had my mother behave like this for too long and it is soul destroying some days. If she could have been helped when she was young we might be in a different place but alas her illness is getting worse and she refuses to believe she is the person with the problem it is everyones who keeps hurting and abusing her.
Please stay strong and try as hard as you can to get the girls some help.
I wish you luck.

Re: How do you make good boundaries with a child with mental health issues while still showing them love?

Just going by your title, its not it's not good to let people cross your boundaries showing disrespect etc if you teach them that that's ok then you are not doing them a good service.I guess it's like children sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. Also, its not kind to you to let them disrespect you and it's not good for them to learn to disrespect others. But having said that I still struggle with this one. Just keep yourself strong remember to self care, have respect for yourself and it will become easier. Good luck xox

Re: How do you make good boundaries with a child with mental health issues while still showing them love?

Hi Appleblossom
Thanks for replying and sharing your experience. Ive found it scary and confronting to find that your personal space and time gets invaded without realising it's happening...then you wake up and realise your jumping with anxiety to meet demands that are unreasonable...then it's on!!! The reactions of anger when you protect your own time and space. I've felt at times 'why is it sometimes so hard just to
Have a little time and space to yourself' and how hard it us to fight for that when the reactions are so unreasonable and so extreme.
The best advice I've had though is 'self love and care' and to value yourself. I always think now 'am I ok with this or do I feel uncomfortable' . If it's uncomfortable I put up the boundary....regardless if the extreme reaction, though it can be very hard to live with initially and hard to maintain that boundary.
Keep on looking after yourself!!

Re: How do you make good boundaries with a child with mental health issues while still showing them love?

Hello Susan

It was good to read your post and I send you my best wishes. All I can say to you is that you should set the boundaries that you are comfortable with and stick to them despite the troubles it may cause.

I know it is hard because I am afraid that I am someone who set boundaries, didn't stick to them - rather tried to keep the peace and keep people happy - and I saw those boundaries drop. The problem with this was that although it seemed to give a sense of peace at the time, many years later you will find you are battling the same problems and worse and then putting boundaries in place is too hard and causes too much heartache.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. I'm battling my own issues and just wish that years ago I have refused to budge from some of the boundaries I had set.

 

Re: How do you make good boundaries with a child with mental health issues while still showing them love?

Hello @Susan1

how are you today ?? have not heard from you for a while xx

hope everything is ok , sending you hugs my friend

Hello @Snowdrop, @Former-Member, @denial

Re: How do you make good boundaries with a child with mental health issues while still showing them love?

This sounds like me! My 11 year old son, nearly 12 years old, is also very volatile, and i too feel exhausted at the constant rollercoaster of emotions.

He will not accept my partner either and refuses to live with us or sleep over when my partner is home overnight. He constantly says bad things about him and how he wishes he would disappear and die.

I have no advice, but just wanted to say I can hear what youre saying and youre not alone!

Re: How do you make good boundaries with a child with mental health issues while still showing them love?

Feeling Fragile after seeing my Gp.  She is not happy that I have allowed son back, even temporarily.  She is worried about the pressure he puts on me, and that I have to face that he is unwell.  At the moment on the surface he is being cheerful, agreeable, helpful as needed and doing great self care.

@Shaz51 @Faith-and-Hope @greenpea @Sophia1 @Owlunar @Anastasia Mainly tagging mothers.

 

Think I will try and keep both sides of forum going while son is living with me.

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