Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Krishna]

Welcome @JennyM  to the forum, a good place to share your story. My daughter also suffers from schizophrenia aged 27 and estranged now for 2 years. The last time I saw her was Feb 2021 and she didn’t recognise me as had just undergone ECT treatment and perhaps her memory was playing havoc. I don’t know, but she escorted me from her hospital room like I was a complete stranger. No recognition of who I was. I’ve received one txt message since then, months later, asking for money. It’s a heartache like no other. She was appointed a public guardian 12 months ago and at the recent review advised the team that she no longer wants me involved in her life. I sort of gathered that but to receive this message via email sent me down that dark hole again. I am managing to climb back up these past few weeks but gosh it’s hard. I txt her regularly and send letters and little care packages each month just to reassure her of my love and support. I never receive a reply but am now accustomed to that. There’s never a day goes by when she’s not on my mind and will forever be in my heart. I have received grief counselling which helped a little but as you mentioned, certain triggers leave me in tears. All I know is that she is safe with a roof over her head, lives 3 hours away and has a good community mental health team keeping an eye on her. It’s my birthday in 2 weeks and I know that’s going to be a hard day to get through as are other special dates throughout the year. I miss her terribly and simply have to live in hope that one day she will communicate. I also know in my heart that she is trying to protect me from her suffering and loves her dad and I very much but would do anything to be able to support her through her dark days. Her illness has progressed to the point where she really is a completely different person but still my girl no matter what. I’m sorry for your pain and loss. Taking one day at a time is all I can suggest along with self compassion and care and make sure you do things which bring you joy and a little happiness each day. 🙏❤️

[SJT63]

@JennyM 

I have a kid that won't talk to me. He texts me on my birthday - he doesn't hate me I don't think, he just isn't interested. He'll be 30 in July and it's been this way for a decade now. Periodically I reach out and invite him and his girlfriend out (coffee or something, neutral territory) and he always says it's a good idea but never does it. 

He was a difficult teenager and blames me for the breakdown of my marriage to his father but we've never had an actual falling out or anything - he just doesn't give a .... about me is all. He has no mental illness (I'm here because my partner does) he's just a bit self centred.

I have a daughter as well, but she's lived in England for the last 8 years. It is very, very, very difficult when your children abandon you.

[CW22]

Hi Jenny,

When I came across your post, I had a moment thinking I had written it. Your words are so familiar to me. My son is 37 and I have seen him once, briefly, in the past nine years. The pain is there everyday and the frustration too of not being able to change this situation. I have very  good relationships with my daughters but my son has chosen to cut me out of his life. I text him on his birthday and at Christmas. I don't receive any reply and have stopped sending gifts after he told me he destroys them. And I need to face facts - my son can be misongynistic, he is a drug user and in the past when I thought we had a good relationship, he really only contacted me for money. He does not contact his sisters either. I had to choose to look after myself, move on despite the pain I feel and focus on the good family relationships I have and trying to live my best life. The pain will always be there but the need to accept the situation for my own mental health became very important. 

[Krishna]

Hi @CW22  Yes my situation is the same and I’m so happy to read you are starting to take good care of your own health. It’s a pain like no other and has taken me quite a while to accept the situation for what it is. I too have started taking steps to regain “my life” even with such a big part of it missing. My girl was also a drug user leading to schizophrenia and for years the only contact was for money. Now that she has a DSP and a Financial/Public Guardian there seems no need to contact us at all. Life must go on 🙏❤️

[PTG]

Hi JennyM, I feel your loss of contact and it reminded me of the story of liz hodgeman at Sanctuary..you can google her up to read the full story...it's a long and ongoing story (maybe 10 years or more?) and it as a story of loss, acceptance, hope and an outcome that gives all encouragement to live with , and understand what BPD is and how we can find some common ground and build from there. A long journey and a common goal. Wishing you success on your journey, everyones is different and we can all learn something from other's journeys Best wishes 

[Mumto8]

I am sorry to hear of your situation, and sadly can say it pulls at my heart, as I too have a 20 year old son, who will not talk to me for 8 months. I am devastated. It's the questions. The self-doubts. It just makes no sense. He is so loved. Helplessness. I am left with all the memories of his childhood, and it seems to mean nothing to him. What if he needs more help. Stop thinking of my pain and focus on his needs. Aaaah the endless self attack. And every special moment not shared cuts deep. Birthdays, weddings, Christmas.