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Looking after ourselves

Re: Partners who chose to stay for the long haul

@TideisTurning  thanks very much for your concern. My experiences with calling any help lines when I've been at my wits end has been that they give you the advice to leave. They counsel you as if that's your only alternative and provided support to do so.

 

That isn't really what I needed, so now himself and I are seeing his psychologist together once a month where I can be a little less guarded in what I say to him. He does get very upset and withdraw emotionally from the session if I say something he feels guilty or ashamed about, but at least I get to say it in a safe environment. She is fabulous at coming up with ways we might resolve issues - or prevent them happening - and at least I feel like we're making progress.

 

Things have been a hellava lot worse than they are now and, like @Carlachris I am starting to find my feet again. 

x

Re: Partners who chose to stay for the long haul

Nothing worse than reaching out for help and being put on hold. Or not being rung back. Has happened several times to me as well. Still waiting replies from a care team from 3 days ago. It's exhausting having to push, barge and sometimes loose my sh*t repeatedly to be taken seriously. Doing everything the right way dosent work in a crisis you need to go above and beyond. I'm getting much better at working the system and blocking the loopholes trial and error. Another learning curve layer due to Covid. I just want the help that everyone talks about in the media and offered but seemingly unattainable. The system is in crisis itself. 
getting there little by little. ....sometimes inch by inch. 

Re: Partners who chose to stay for the long haul

@Carlachris 

 

how you doing?

 

I'm a bit fragile because he's a bit fragile, but otherwise ok. I've got a few things I need to raise with him but have been too scared to but we see the pdoc together on Friday so I might do it then.

 

keep me posted xoxox

Re: Partners who chose to stay for the long haul

@SJT63 Hi,

My hubby is coming home on Wednesday. I have missed him so much. It's been just on 6 wks. He is firmly on his new Meds and we are being well supported for once. It's been a fight to get through the system but I'm feeling hopeful for the first time in a very longgggggg time. So many people are having breakdowns due to the extra stresses of Covid that the Hostel my husband has been in for 3 wks is now overflowing and it has become too unsettling to be there. People coughing and wandering the streets at night alone. It's so very sad.

yes take advantage of the doc appointment and get things out. I know that awful feeling of being scared walking on egg shells. Look after yourself hope all goes well.

 

 

Re: Partners who chose to stay for the long haul

@Carlachris 

 

thinking of you today xoxox

Re: Partners who chose to stay for the long haul

@SJT63 Thanks for that. Very kind. I picked hubby up about 11am was lovely to have him home again. New and improved version. For now the new Meds are working really well. He feels so much better within himself. No sign of the intensity or angry man. They have given him a new mood stabilizer that he hasn't had before and he can see and think straight for the first time in a long while. Early days of course but relieved to have the man I married 15 yrs ago back. We have support as well but heed to continue to push through the system for it to remain in place if needed. Boundaries firmly in place. I hope all goes well for you and Pdoc appointment with Mr S. Thinking about you today as well. We really should be able to draw the line before crisis but sometimes it's so long in coming it takes us to the edge of their own psychosis before we can protect ourselves. I'm learning and I hope you are as well. Big hugs.

Re: Partners who chose to stay for the long haul

@Carlachris I hope your relationship with Mr C continues to improve with his improving health. I was so pleased to get such a positive vibe from your last post.

 

This is about the time of year when Mr S plummets headlong in a downward spiral towards Christmas - March and September seem to be the months where I get to my wits end and treat myself to a respite elsewhere. Since last March he too has been on different mood stabilisers and they have made quite a difference. I equinox mania is still occurring but it seems to be kept under much better control - the soltace mania happen too, but not to the same extent. So, quarterly episiodes with Spring and Autumn being more violent than Winter and Summber... I only realised that pattern today!

 

I'm sure I've told you about how he has in own place but won't go back since they cut down a tree in May of last year. This went on and on and on like a broken record until the last time I ran away where I wrote to him saying I was having nothing more to do with the tree or his infantile revenge plots.

 

Recently there was another letter from the body corp worrying about rats in the empty unit which sent him off the deep end but I said I'd handle it. I have handled it. I went over, saw no evidence of rats or roaches like they suggested, laid baits anyway like they suggested, sent them the receipt for same and job done.

 

Just not job done to his satisfaction and for most of last week it was a constant tyrade about what I was supposed to do about the tree. This was what I spoke about in the session on Friday.

 

I reminded him that I had already washed my hands of treegate, I said the matter of the supposed rats was now finalised to everyone's satisfaction and I would be closing my file on that one. He was furious that I was airing our linen in public, I could tell, but I pointed out that having a rational conversation about this with just the two of us is impossible and that I chose to speak about it with an impartial mediator as the only way I felt safe.

 

The pdoc was wonderful - asking him to think about what the circumstances might be to enable him to let the whole issue go, but he is adamant that he will not, despite the distress is causes me. I am pleased that I now know that it's not in my imagination when I think he constantly makes everything my responsibility because he did it there and she called him out on it. 

 

"Fine" he says, "if you want me to handle it I will but you won't like the consequences". To me, that sounds like a threat and when I've called it thus in the past he tells me "it's not a threat it's simply a warning"...?????

 

I have maintained from day one that he needs legal advice on this (because I don't think he has a leg to stand on but that's by the by) and I said so again. "Well how are you going to find the money for that?" he asked me. (remember this guy is not my husband and he moved into my house for a lockdown in March 2020 and never went home again).

 

I met the drs eyes and she nodded and asked him another question. He doesn't see it, how statements like that are abrogating his own responsibility and putting it all back onto me. Again.

 

I was VERY distressed. I hold in a lot of things in front of him because he gets angrier if I get upset. I was a weepy mess letting all my anger and fear tumble down my face as tears. By this time I'm having a panic attack about going home again with him, but he agreed, in the consultation, that we would walk out and not mention it again over the weekend.

 

To his credit, he didn't, although he did find another reason to wake me up with a tantrum about midnight Friday and kick me out of my own bed.... he came good by Saturday lunchtime - "forgave me" for my transgression (not going into it, too pathetic) all was ok until I was getting ready for work today.

 

He wasn't angry with me though, just a call centre which obviously wasn't going to be fully staffed at 6:25 in the morning. He wanted me to ring them on my phone too to see who would get through first. Furious that I didn't have time to sit around waiting instead of dressing and leaving, I dialed and passed him the handset. I was kinda hoping they wouldn't pick up before I left because if I don't have my phone he can't ring me.

 

Anyway, his phone picked up first so I grabbed mine and ran out with him shouting at the state health department.

 

fun times.... xoxox

Re: Partners who chose to stay for the long haul

@SJT63 I think my marriage is over. He has shifted the goal posts again on me.....this time all the negative manipulation coming back first the jealousy of nothing, then the listening into my phone calls, then the how could I call the CAT team on him he has no rights he wants to see his old psychologist again......(the one who knew he was off his meds the whole time 3 yrs)...accusations,  accusations not real of course.......blah blah blah blah blah.......I think I'm DONE. MY SPIRIT IS BROKEN. The pandemic ontop has pushed us over the edge. We will have to sell our house and neither of us can afford to buy something else so who knows. Day by day I suppose. I just feel sick all the time now. I can't take any more. If love is not enough then going our own way is the only way forward. I give up and in. I hope you have much more luck then us. At least yours still has his place. I'm too raw to offer any advice. Best of wishes and hugs. 

Re: Partners who chose to stay for the long haul

@Carlachris 

you must be devastated

 

crushed

 

just when we thought things were going to slowly get back to normal

 

i can't think now either... xoxoxo

Re: Partners who chose to stay for the long haul

@SJT63  And everyone else.....I think I'm just over it. I'm not going back to being MIs bitch again....that's what it has been like. My life on hold while he crashes and burns and decides OUR future.....NUP.....not doing it anymore. Today he's all hugs and kisses and has no idea what he wants. He was tossed out of Respite 2 wks early because he managed to manipulate the social worker and care team......WHEN WILL THEY LISTEN.? He has been diagnosed with a Manipulation personality disorder.......they diagnosed him ffs.....but because of Covid over crowding of the mental health system he came home and I again have to play the psych to his paranoia and delusions. The meds are kicking in but it will be another few weeks before he really feels better. I will see him right then whole different ball game. I just can't be the impossible anymore. I'm moving forward with my son and the grandkids. I know he will be in my life somewhere somehow but not as my husband. Friends will do with no benefits. That's gone. 
Now if we can only get out of this dreadful pandemic we can recover a bit of life again. How happy that will be. 
hugs everyone.

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