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Looking after ourselves

SJT63
Senior Contributor

Heading Home

@HoneyOne @UprightRabbit @Shaz51 @WinstonOBoogie 

 

Well all, I will be heading home this afternoon after work. I've only spent one night at home in the last week, Sunday night after my weekend away, and that was the disaster that lead to me running away from (being kicked out of) my own home on Monday morning.

 

I am not particularly rested as it's difficult to sleep in a strange environment and I've been just a tad preoccupied, but it has been nice not walking on eggshells waiting for the next thunderstorm to hit.

 

I called him last night, more than anything to make sure he was still breathing, and to gleen what sort of reception I would get. Desipite having sent two emails explaining that I loved him and wanted things to work out but hinting at a few changes that needed to be made (for discussion later) his first question was "are we over?". FFS

 

We got to talking, but I was silenced when I tried to lay some groundwork about the fact that we need to work together to address some important issues... "don't spoil it with minutiae".... on the phone I didn't press it but I'm going to have to or we will be right back to square one before the weekend is out. I have notes, I will stick to them.

 

The other thing of course is that his boys will probably be there before I get home. He hasn't seen them all week because I wasn't there, although why I'm not sure because he used to see them during the week before he met me, presumably they've forgotten about heating up pies in the oven since I started cooking proper meals for them. He rarely lets me talk about stuff when the boys are there but this time I cannot afford to be put off, he will try, he will come up with all sorts of reasons not to talk about what's been happening.

 

I need good vibes from you all to stay strong and stay en pointe. I will prioritise my list so that the really important things are covered first and hopefully check back in on Monday with a debrief.

 

Thank you all for the support and assistance you've given so freely over the last few weeks.

 

Much love, S x

40 REPLIES 40

Re: Heading Home

@SJT63 

 

Hi S 🙂

Always lovely to see an update from you.

It sounds like you have a plan and are determined to stick to it. Good.

You will be anxious heading home...that's normal..just deep breathe...think of things that make you happy.

It's no surprise you aren't totally rested. I have been away from partner/home since Saturday and even though I don't have to cope with outbursts...I still feel drained.

Am meeting her for psych interview this afternoon and trying to prepare for that. Not knowing how she will be is nerve wracking.

Please remember S that you aren't alone in this and that you can always reach out on here.

Remember the priorities on your list and stick to them. Stay strong and don't enable his outbursts, anger, and harsh words. 

I am sending you strong positive vibes..numerous virtual hugs and good karma.

Cheers for now

S (as well)

 

Re: Heading Home

Hi @SJT63 

Let us, my friend, be blunt.

I know you love him. But that's your damn house. 

This thing has run its course and you know it. 

There is absolutely no more you can do apart from give him five days to pack, advise his friends and family, and hold your ground. 

Sorry to sound like a hardass but. This isn't living. 

Rabbit xx

 

Re: Heading Home

aww thank you for the tag my friend @SJT63 , mHeartHeartmeans sooo much 

Re: Heading Home

Hi @SJT63 

 

Sorry it's been a few days since I last wrote. I went to the dentist for a filling on Wednesday and it's not gone well in that I'm having a lot of pain. I went back for a check up this morning. I'll try some medication and other things, so hopefully the pain will settle.

 

Hey, congratulations! You made it the week away from home! Wow! Remember you were concerned you'd go back. I think that's a massive accomplishment.

 

The way you describe needing the security of your home really resonates with me. When I was in a hotel, I just kept trying to remind myself of all the times I was happy to be on vacation in a hotel. It also helped that I stayed in a nice place with a pool.

 

Perhaps, if there is a next time, which I hope there is no, but perhaps you could see staying away from home as a 'work trip'.

 

I've told myself that I'm going to book a hotel room once a fortnight regardless of how things are here for me. I'll got to a hotel frequently for two reasons.

 

1) To desensitised myself if I need to go to a hotel in a crisis again.

2) To have a break, just as you'd booked your sewing weekend. That was a good inspiration.

 

It seems to me that we have a similar experience. When you want to express/explain how things are for YOU, your partner is mostly concerned with what this all means for HIM.

 

But again, congratulations for putting your needs out there in emails.

 

One of the challenges I face with my partner is he is SUPER sweet, overly attentive at times. I wish I could be clearer with what mood he's in when he's like that.

 

However then he gets irritable, he picks on me and yells things at me. Sometimes the things he yells at me about have very little to do with me , for example, things going on at his work. I have little care factor for the topic, yet whatever I say is categorically wrong. And if I don't say anything, I'm cold.

 

It's the fluctuation between

1) super sweet, waiting on my every word, cannot be more helpful

to

2) criticising me and acting like a bully

 

that is the most challenging. If it was either 1 or 2, I would know where I stand in the relationship.

 

But it seems like his rapid cycling duration is quite short. He's told me he can feel a range of emotions in one day. Which I'm on the receiving end. The super sweet emotions make me feel beholdened to his needs.

 

Do you have this problem also? Or did you have this problem and it's gotten worse where there Is no nice times anymore?

 

I was speaking with a friend last night. He dad was diagnosed as Bipolar many years ago but has never been on medication or had any treatment. He's behaviour is really problematic for the whole family.

 

I'm worried that my partner's moods will continue to get worse.

 

The last couple of nights, I've woken up with excruciating tooth pain. One of those nights he only slept for 1 hours. Despite our conversation that the best thing to do if you have Bipolar is to rest in a dark room if you can't sleep, he was up reading for hours.

 

So he knows what he should be doing but can't control the urge to have stimulation.

 

When your partner is up all night with his planes, does he know he should be resting? 

 

I'm not sure where my future is heading.

 

I would like to have a relationship with elements of FUN. Everything seems like hard work with this one.

 

I'm really keen to know how your weekend goes for you.

 

I hope there's been commitment for improvements.

 

Take care of yourself,

xx

Re: Heading Home

@HoneyOne 

Hi there:)

Sounds like you have your hands full as well with your partner..and to top it all off a sore tooth !

His fluctuating moods must be so hard for you to deal with. I hope YOU are tracking ok !?

Saw my partner at her psych appointment yesterday..she didn't talk. Was very hard as I just wanted to hug her and say it will be ok.

Has told me she needs her space so I have stopped sending texts. It's hard as I know she is alone.

What a journey we are all on !

Sending big hugs to you @honeyone and you too @SJT63 🌻⚘❤

Re: Heading Home

@UprightRabbit you will not be happy with me.. I can't call it quits yet.. The fat lady is not yet belting out her aria.

 

@HoneyOne @WinstonOBoogie @Shaz51  my action last week has prompted him to be more  honest with his psych so she has given him some new meds and I'm thrilled because in all the research I did last week that was the drug I'd hoped we could try.

 

At the moment he is very subdued and respectful. One little hissy on Saturday during dinner which he recovered from quickly and I was able to use it as a catalyst for a decent conversation. I also got him to go and talk to the boys afterwards and admit that he had behaved inappropriately

 

I have to give these new meds a decent go. 

 

I've promised myself I will not longer give in to the gaslighting and I will not longer be at his bec and call 24/7. I am claiming some independance back and a few sessions with my own psychologist is going to help that. I was like a fish out of water all last week away from home and away from him.

 

While he is still too relucted to actually sit down and go through my very long list of things we need to thrash out, I was able to address two points that should help us to move forward - provided he can remember 🙂 

 

Friday and Saturday nights he came to bed at a decent hour and I slept quite well, last night was quite a bit more disturbed and he finally got to sleep about 3. Sleeping arrangements are the next thing on my agenda. If we each have a private personal space in the house I think a lot of pressure will be alleviated. I know he feels crowded out as much as I do sometimes.

 

Love, S

Re: Heading Home

@HoneyOne we are living with the same guy I think. A lot of what I get yelled at for are things to do with his marriage breakup 14 years ago. Stuff before that and heaps of stuff after that, he just cannot let go of anything. Yes, he knows he should be resting when he stays up all night in the modelling room.

 


Do you have this problem also? Or did you have this problem and it's gotten worse where there Is no nice times anymore?

 

It has gotten much much worse since the pandemic because we are all a little more vulnerable right now, and he amplifies bad stuff in his head all the time. There are still the "nice" times but they are fleeting and not often. Your videos were great.. so he is either "himself" or in dysphoric hypomania. The mixed state would go on for a few days every six weeks or so. Usually I could identify the trigger - something would happen that was a worry to him and his emotions would get out of control. We could live with that no problems.

 

Background:

 

February 2018 my partner of 10 years passed away. His adult children were horribly cruel to me afterwards and so I got some counseling, went on The Ghan by myself and gathered up my skirts and moved on.

 

July 2018 I hooked up with this guy (a few mutual aquaintances as he used to work for a company that are clients of mine) - mainly because I was lonely. I wasn't looking for forever and neither was he. We pretty much fell in love at first sight. Never before had I been so accepted with all my quirks and frailties.

 

First Major Episode:

 

Late October 2018 (I'd known him 3 months) the same day that he fell downstairs and got a concussion the ex-wife called to say she didn't want him to see the boys any more. She had some made up reason, but really it was because he'd finally gotten a girlfriend (she'd been married and divorced another 2 times) 12 years after the breakup. Her playing silly buggas again would have triggered something, and the concussion alone probably would have too. The perfect storm.

 

He had a serious breakdown. I probably should have called an ambulance and if he were ever that sick again I would, however, I took time off work on and off and looked after him and he slowly came good. About 3 months from start to finish, with a steady gradual improvement after about 4 weeks.

 

This was the point at which my family turned their back on me for not leaving some random crazy guy I'd only know a few months. What they didn't get, what they never get about me, is that I have too much compassion and empathy to turn away anyone in need.

 

He got well again and life was great. I have never been loved so well, supported so much, or had so many laughs. I had forgotten how to laugh. 

 

This episode:

 

One of the first things that happens when he starts to go off track is that he doesn't attend to things that really need to be looked at. Things that have deadlines like bills - and letters from the body corporate about your overgrown garden. Several such letters which become progressively more insistent until finally they give an exact date after which they will take matters into their own hands. There have been a lot of run ins with the body corp because he is just that kinda guy 🙂

 

He was only going home about once a fortnight to check the mail and loved  his little overgrown patch at the back of the townhouse. We had sat out there with the birds during the day and watched possums and sugar gliders at night eating the avocados - on a tree that was there before he bought the place.

 

May 26th 2020 and he goes home to check the mail to find his entire yard completely stripped of all plantlife. Cue the bomb squad. He raged out of control for a few days and then seemed to settle down, but really, that was the trigger for the mixed episode we have now been in for 118 days.

 

During this time there have been the odd whole day, and half days at least once a week where he has been himself, but for the most part he has been absent. I miss him. I want him back.

 

I hold out a lot of hope for the medication that he's just started taking. I found the script he'd had since Monday when I got home on Friday, filled it, and finally got him to start taking it yesterday. I expect a few weeks before we notice anything and in the meantime I am gradually modifying my behaviour back to being myself again instead of what I'm second guessing I need to be to keep him calm.

 

I feel ok today. I hope you do to xoxo

 

 

Re: Heading Home

Hi @SJT63 

 

I am so sorry I've been MIA for a few days.

 

I'm continuing to have problems with the tooth that had the filling last Wednesday. I ended up in Emergency on Sunday night from the pain.

 

To cut a long story short... I may need a root canal. I will know in 1.5 weeks.

 

In hindsight, I should have delayed the filling as I'd been under enourmous stress the week before from my partners disappearance.

 

I usually have excellent health and get great report cards from the dentist.

 

So this is really a great reminder that my health is suffering in this relationship.

 


 

February 2018 my partner of 10 years passed away. His adult children were horribly cruel to me afterwards and so I got some counseling, went on The Ghan by myself and gathered up my skirts and moved on.

 


I'm really sorry to hear about your previous partner. That must have been very hurtful. I wish there was a magic carpet that could whisk all the hurt away. I don't want to diminish your pain by explaining mine at this time... I can only say...I'm really sorry and wish I could give you a hug and a cup of tea! I'll share my background at a later date.

 

To touch on some of your other points...

 

 


It has gotten much much worse since the pandemic because we are all a little more vulnerable right now, and he amplifies bad stuff in his head all the time. There are still the "nice" times but they are fleeting and not often. Your videos were great.. so he is either "himself" or in dysphoric hypomania. The mixed state would go on for a few days every six weeks or so. Usually I could identify the trigger - something would happen that was a worry to him and his emotions would get out of control. We could live with that no problems.

 


Yes, I agree, sounds like we're living with similar situations right now.

 

Things were going okay between us, but for the last 6 weeks it feels like he's almost constantly in a mixed state. When he came back from the hotel, he was 'there' but that only lasted a few days, now he's back to fluctuating between up and down.

 

We had another disagreement last night. Bear in mind I have been doing nothing but lying in bed dealing with pain. This morning I offered to go to a hotel. He said he doesn't want that. We've agreed to stay out of each others' way in the apartment.

 

He's got an infection in his teeth. I've had his root canal brought forward but it's still 2 weeks away. 

 

I've reached out to his psychiatrist and will do so again today. There just doesn't seem to be anything anyone can 'do', right.

 

My partner carries on that I create the drama... I'm trying to control him... I blame every problem on his diagnosis. He tells me he's got important thing to do,  that's why he's so busy... blahh....

 

I'm beginning to feel like this is a well rehersed routine for him to deflect attention. I think it also suits him that me and his mother have had a big falling out. We're easier to manipulate separately than together.

 

I remember all the things he's told me about past relationships, mostly about his most previous ex (8 years). The comment he would most frequently make is 'if she could have been different... we could have had a great relationship'.

 

He is now using the same words on me.

 

And his long-term ex (20 years) which he had 2 boys with. They don't want to see him. SMS is the most they can manage.

 

Most of his relationships are over SMS. I've mentioned before, he doesn't have ONE close friend. 

 

In summary, I'm starting to see his pattern of behaviour. I had hoped that with the diagnosis that his periods of 'himself' would be greater than the 'other' states. I'm hoping that his root canal (and mine) will bring some relief.

 

And I'm back to my original question, how long do I put myself in this position which is ultimately unsafe?

 


 

He got well again and life was great. I have never been loved so well, supported so much, or had so many laughs. I had forgotten how to laugh. 


I know what you mean by this... when my partner is 'himself' things are so great. There is honestly nowhere else I'd prefer to be. But I wonder if you wonder the same thing. During these periods, is the connection too awesome. For me, it can sometimes feel like there is anxiety / dependency with the connection. I don't know how to explain it... It's great to feel so wanted but it feels like it could almost be anyone keeping my place...

 

How does it feel for you?

 

 

He had a serious breakdown. I probably should have called an ambulance and if he were ever that sick again I would, however, I took time off work on and off and looked after him and he slowly came good. About 3 months from start to finish, with a steady gradual improvement after about 4 weeks.

My partner has also had concussions. Three in total I think. This definately doesn't help things.

 


 

One of the first things that happens when he starts to go off track is that he doesn't attend to things that really need to be looked at. Things that have deadlines like bills - and letters from the body corporate about your overgrown garden. Several such letters which become progressively more insistent until finally they give an exact date after which they will take matters into their own hands. There have been a lot of run ins with the body corp because he is just that kinda guy 🙂

 


 

This is a really helpful observation. A similar thing happens here too. A few weeks ago, ALL the chores were being done before I would wake up. The cat poo was getting scooped out every morning, dishes done, floors washed, breakfast made etc.

 

This was manic state, I can see in hindsight.

 

Now it's more mixed state. Washing is not done, cupcake wrappers by the bed, packets of buscuits being eaten in bed. It's actually more like a 'normal' male but but combined with all the other behaviours, it's distressing.

 

 

This was the point at which my family turned their back on me for not leaving some random crazy guy I'd only know a few months. What they didn't get, what they never get about me, is that I have too much compassion and empathy to turn away anyone in need.

 

His family thinks I'm crazy for not having lef him. And you know... I come up with the same answer. He needs help...if I don't help, who will???

 

My mum use to tell me how horrible I was so I've spent a lot of my life trying to prove her wrong.

 


I hold out a lot of hope for the medication that he's just started taking. I found the script he'd had since Monday when I got home on Friday, filled it, and finally got him to start taking it yesterday. I expect a few weeks before we notice anything and in the meantime I am gradually modifying my behaviour back to being myself again instead of what I'm second guessing I need to be to keep him calm.

 

I feel ok today. I hope you do to xoxo

 

 


Thank you for your posts. They provide me a lot of comfort. I hope things do get back on track with your partner, and with mine also.

 

My partner is also due to try an additional medication to lower the 'high' moods.

 

What we discussed this morning is.... who are his 'spotters' and how can they communicate when they sense there is an issue with his mood/bahaviour.

 

He hasn't provided answers and I'm just going to focus on that.

 

And keeping my distance.

 

Best of luck to you, and a big hug,

xx

 

 

Re: Heading Home

 

@HoneyOne it is ridiculous how much better I feel when I hear from you.

First and foremost... GET THE ROOT CANAL. I've had 3 in the last two years so my teeth have cost me as much as a second hand car but it has been life changing. Dentist now buying another inner city property as a result, bless him. My dentist was a client first so he is very good to me.

 

Because I clench my teeth so tightly when I'm asleep, all the pulp in my molars has calcified so the roots got trapped and I was in constant pain. With the roots gone they don't ache. I still get awful pain in my jaw, neck and shoulders when I'm overstressed but Bowen Therapy helps that.

 

I stopped being a source of disappointment to my mother, and stopped trying to please her all the time in 2002. She died. But it's ok because now I have an adult daughter who was able to fill her shoes. That's the main thing I  had therapy for last year and now I'm not as afraid of my little girl as I was of my mum. At 58 I shouldn't be afraid of anyone, I know, but we are who we are. I get sick of the post-menopausal memes about women not giving an eff any more and "being themselves" and "ditching toxic people".... if I did that I'd have no-one. I will always care too much about those around me and always put my own needs at the back of the queue and that is what I've come to terms with since Rick died. It is who I am and who I'm happiest being.

 

Since my return things have been strained. We are just not as comfortable as we were before I ran away from home for a week and I'm worried about that. He has been very circumspect and quite respectful of my body (for the first time ever - he's a groper) and that feels weird. 

 

Aside from the lamb being too tough on Saturday (I think I've already told you about that) he kept it together until last night. Again a dinner thing... (note to self, why is it all now food related?)... 

 

We usually eat at 7pm. I get home about 5:30 and we have a little chat, he shows me the garden (again) and then I go inside and start work. Traffic was bad last night and I got home a little later, then we spent a little longer in the garden. At the time I'm thinking "shut up and let me get on with what I need to do" but also thought "don't interrupt him or you'll be in trouble" and "this is actually quite nice, make the most of it".. but I was more worried about the time than anything else.

 

Usually I serve at 7 (aspy's like routine), having given him a heads up at 6:45. I plate up at 7, call him, and he usually comes to the table by 7:15 by which time it's stone cold, just how he likes it.

 

So I didn't get to start until 6:20. It came out of the oven (Spanakopita) at 7:10. I'm often in trouble for serving food too hot so I was planning to call him at 7:25 giving it 15 minutes to cool. 7:20 the tyrade starts. 

 

I'm told (in the BP angry voice) that dinner is usually served between 6 & half past and what had I been doing all this time and didn't I realise how hungry he'd be after not eating all day. It was on the table cooling, I explained I hadn't called him because I knew it would be too hot but we could eat right now. No, he can't eat now, he feels too nauseous from not eating which is also my fault and off he stomps to the bedroom. I eat mine. 

 

Half an hour later he comes out and asks why I seem offended. Offended? No, you've made me angry because you keep moving the goal posts. I then made the fatal mistake of trying to defend myself. 

1. We don't eat at 6, I serve at 7. ALWAYS. How can we eat at 6 when I don't get home until half past 5?

2. I was late starting because you kept calling me back out to the garden and I was too afraid of the consequences to come back inside against your wishes

3. If you choose not to eat through the day that is your choice. I left you rissoles in one container and pumpkin rissotto in another, not to mention all the other food like bread and cheese and ham and tomatoes.

 

...and off he storms back to the bedroom and stays there. An hour later I'm exhausted and locked out so I can't take my blood pressure meds or use the cpap machine that keeps me breathing through the night. Oh well, at least the boys' room was vacant. I woke up with a 3 pill headache about 11:30 and I could see a light on under his door (but we all know not to go in after last time)... but then I slept right through until the alarm at 5:30.

 

I remember all the things he's told me about past relationships, mostly about his most previous ex (8 years). The comment he would most frequently make is 'if she could have been different... we could have had a great relationship'.

 

I am often told how much he wishes he was still married to the mother of his children, and why did she have to ruin the perfect life that they had, and how happy they would all be if she hadn't left. It used to be hurtful, now it's just another one of those broken record things.

 

No, I don't ever feel that I'm just keeping a place warm where anyone would do. I know I have a boat load of skills, kindness, financial security and patience that he would never find all in the same person anywhere else... and if I lost a little weight I'd have no trouble replacing him with someone more stable if I wanted to. However, the stable ones are not as considerate, and I really, really need to be needed. i do not deserve to be abused.

 

So we shall see what transpires if I continue to calmly stick up for myself and correct him when he issues false acusations. Like what time we usually eat. He may decide he's had enough.

 

He has one friend in the flying club that he calls most weeks. John is a saint for still answering the phone to him when John is also on the receiving end of the vitriol sometimes. He talks regularly to both is (very) elderly parents (gets into it with dad, but mum sees it coming and pretends there's someone at the door), both of whom think I have been sent from above to save them all. His sister thinks I should kick him to the kerb. 

 

We see the boys at least every weekend and I cannot believe they keep coming back for more and how patient they are with him. Sometimes the stress gets to them and there are blow ups, but for teenage boys they are remarkably kind to him. I think they like my cooking.

 

I have never been accused of trying to control him but sometimes of deliberately confusing him. That's hilarious because he's the one who keeps changing the rules. One of the last things I said to him last night was that even though I'm not his servant, if he has a precise schedule that he needs me to stick to then I need it in writing. That was a bit narky, I know, but I'm over tiptoeing around the issues at hand.

 

By the time I'd showered this morning he had unlocked the door, which meant I didn't have to wear my cleanest dirty shirt to work today. He was cordial when I said goodbye and even looked up from his phone. Truly privileged I am.

 

I've ordered the Julie Fast book  because I love her website anyway and it's been recommended, either here or on the facebook page... Bipolar Friends/Family/Carers Support Group Australia... which I also find helpful.

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